Friday, Oct. 18, 2002

10:30 a.m.

[ 101 Things About Me. ]

Without further adieu, here are more goofy details about my life than anyone probably wants to know.

1) When I was ten, I got my first celebrity crush: Dan Aykroyd. That was when I discovered how attractive a man with a great sense of humor is to me. To this day I still consider that to be among the most important personality traits a human being can possess.

2) I don't mind the thought of being alone, I've been alone before and kind of like my own company. The flip-side of that; I'm terrified of losing my husband to a terrible accident, murder or to the affections of a much younger woman. I think about it all of the time and wonder what I would do if any of those things ever happened.

3) I'm in self-imposed recovery for alcoholism. I didn't want to get into a program because at the time I stopped drinking I was about 25 years old and I knew my ex-husband wouldn't let me attend the meetings. Alcoholism runs in my family. I refuse to be like that.

4) I think those little bumblebees with the fuzzy covering are really cute.

5) I'm in love with animals, but can't be around anything with fur or feathers because I have killer allergies.

6) Favorite non-furry pets; albino goldfish, iguanas, hermit crabs.

7) I became aware of how cruel the world can be the day John Lennon was murdered. I was eleven years old. I still don't feel as if I'm over it.

8) I think the world is never more beautiful than when it rains or snows. Especially when it snows.

9) I love oriental men. Their eyes are so beautiful.

10) I idolize Mel Gibson, Bruce Lee, Brandon Lee, John Walsh and Jet Li.

11) I'm sure I have an inner male and he wants out desperately. My proof? I love action movies, football and horror.

12) On the other hand, I also love chick films, love songs and wearing makeup (even though I don't wear as it often as I'd like to). I'm a girly girl.

13) I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show thirty-two times. Most of those times were in the theater. I danced, threw rice, toast & toilet paper. The first time I saw the film I had no idea about the audience participation thing and sat there in awe. When I got home my bra was full of rice and I had soda in my hair.

14) I used to be embarrassed for people to know I'm irish because of all of the negative stereotypes (alcoholism, violent tendencies, ect.), but now I know our history and I embrace my celtic heritage.

15) My favorite things are: family photos, my wedding ring (Larry and I designed our own so they're really special), my autographed pictures of Mel Gibson & Elijah Wood and my PC.

16) The Patriot is my favorite movie.

17) I'm sure I was chinese in a past life because I love all things and people chinese.

18) I think Marilyn Monroe, Laurie Cabot, Michelle Branch and Kellie Martin are Goddesses.

19) I like being female. PMS sucks, but other than that it's pretty cool.

20) I have always felt that I started out my life as a disappointment to my father, who wanted boys. He doesn't seem to mind my girlhood much any more.

21) Even if our curiosity never leads us to do it, I think every person has wondered at one time or another, however fleetingly, what it's like to kiss someone of the same sex.

22) I have PTSD. One of the side effects is issues with memory. I'm very forgetful and it makes people think I'm stupid. I hate for anyone to think that or treat me like a child. It's something I struggle with constantly.

23) I changed my magickal name three times before I was comfortable with it. I did a separate ritual for each time. It's been the same for two years now. My name sounds like it was given to me at a hippie commune.

24) I've been thinking of legally changing my name to the gaelic spelling SIONAINNE or SIONNAIN.

25) I can clean up practically any mess, including diarrhea, without throwing up, but I can't swab up a puddle of vomit without wanting to vomit myself.

26) I hate injecting my insulin in public places because people stare at me like I'm slamming heroin. I excuse myself and go out to my car to do it. I'm always afraid someone is going to call the cops and tell them there's a junkie in the parking lot. I wish I could inject at home but if I have to wait awhile between injection and eating I become hypoglycemic. It's very unpleasant.

27) Sometimes I wish I was blonde. But then I come to my senses. My skin is delicate and pale, and my eyes are silvery blue. If I were blonde I'd look even more freakish.

28) I love to check out places that might be haunted. I've visited a haunted church in Harper's Ferry and Westminster Cemetery (gravesite of Edgar Allen Poe).

29) I feel out of place when I enter a bar. As a result I haven't been clubbing since my twenty-first birthday.

30) I will not tolerate disruptions to the peace of my home. I like a quiet, gentle atmosphere.

31) Most days I feel as if I'm older than I am.

32) I miss the 80s and being a teenager.

33) Even though it's one of my most favorite movies, I shudder every time I watch The Crow because I know which scene is the one they were shooting when Brandon Lee was killed. I can pinpoint the second he was shot. That doesn't stop me from watching the film but it makes me very sad.

34) I like making my own lip gloss and other homemade goodies, but I haven't made soap in four years because the last time I did that a pan of vegetable fat blew up in my face as I was stirring the lye in. It threw hot fat and lye all over me and my kitchen, burning my face and making one bodacious mess. I haven't given up though. I still have a can of Red Devil downstairs to use when I'm ready.

35) I'm an excellent cook and an even better baker.

36) But I can't get a blancmange to set to save my life.

37) My hair kind of does it's own thing and I let it because I don't like hair spray. Usually I like the way it looks, though.

38) I can't wait for my daughter to get old enough to play dollies with. I'm looking so forward to that.

39) I hate christmas. Someone in my family or my ex husband always manages to fuck it up. I have frequent anxiety attacks every year between thanksgiving and xmas and have to increase my meds.

40) I still fantasize about killing my ex but I'd never do it. Any harm done, he will walk into on his own.

41) My totems are the bear and the butterfly.

42) I love the color black.

43) I consider The Blair Witch Project to be an art film and have visited Burkittsville, but don't think I'm as fanatical about the film as some of my friends, most of whom have bought all of the books and have very serious discussions about the different characters. Sometimes I think they see the characters as being real people.

44) I have lots of stuffed animals, some of which have been around since I was a baby. I was very sad when I discovered that even though they're covered in plastic, most of them became full of mildew and mold when our basement leaked a year ago and will have to be thrown out because they're too old to wash.

45) I ran over a squirrel once (accidentally), and was depressed for over a week.

46) Most people have something in their past they aren't proud of and I'm no exception. But I have never told anyone what my deed was because I feel that it is so horrible, that even people who are friends with me via internet, with whom I have never spoken face-to-face, will not want to have anything to do with me. Only my therapist knows (and Larry), and I have never had the courage to tell anyone else, especially not my family, who find it easy to turn their backs on me. It happened years ago but not a day goes by that I don't think about it and wish it hadn't happened. The guilt from it sometimes causes me to wonder if I deserve to practice a religion based on not harming others. It wasn't something I set out to do, but it is the single worst horror of my life and I've spent a lot of time feeling immense guilt and shame over it. I want people to like me and care about me, and I'm always afraid that if they know what I did, no one will, not even strangers.

47) It was a relief to write that, even though I couldn't say what the source of the guilt is.

48) I have always felt inferior to my brother.

49) I could eat seafood and chocolate until I pass out. There is no such thing as too much of either one.

50) I like watching most children's shows. Blue's Clues rocks my stripey socks.

51) The smell and taste of artificial banana makes me heave.

52) I'm addicted to Ebay.

53) Ditto Amazon.com.

54) I hate rudeness and would be crushed to think I had been rude to someone, even unintentionally.

55) I used to be cool. Now I'm a dork. A nerdy, geeky, silly dork.

56) But I'm okay with that.

57) Due to the sheer volume of my consumption of Diet Pepsi Twist and Diet Coke with Lemon, I'd be willing to submit a sample for research to prove that it is possible for blood to be carbonated, caramel colored and have a delightful lemony essence.

(Actually, since I wrote that I have stopped drinking any kind of sodas, but the lemony essence and caramel coloring is still suspended in my blood because of the iced tea I now drink instead.)

58) I went vegetarian for a year after watching Faces of Death because I was horrified by the scenes that showed what happens in a slaughterhouse. The diet made me very sick, weak and depressed so I had to stop. There have been many times when I have felt as if it is hypocritical for me to be wiccan if I can't also be veggie. I still struggle with that sometimes.

59) Steve Irwin and Nigel Marvin are completely and utterly cool to me.

60) I watch a lot of A&E, the Discovery Channel and the History Channel.

61) True crime stories, both written and on TV, is a passion of mine. I watch America's Most Wanted religiously.

62) Telemarketers piss me off, even though I used to be one. I also know how to make them call less frequently.

63) When I was 13, my aunt had a sexual relationship with our neighbor, which resulted in the end of her marriage and a pregnancy. The baby was stillborn. As is the custom on both sides of my family, pictures were taken at the viewing and the funeral. The baby was heavily made up and his lips were blood red. My father held on to one of the pictures. Every time I see it I have nightmares about dead babies.

64) When I was a kid I wanted to go into the Air Force or become a cop. My family laughed at me so I never tried to do either.

65) My father and mother inherited the gun my uncle used to kill himself. Oddly, most of our other family members wanted it. Since my parents didn't especially want to keep it they gave it away to different members of our family many times. Every time it came back to them. This used to give me horrible dreams. If I'm not mistaken they still have it.

66) I used to believe that the world would be a peaceful place if everyone cast away their old religions and became witches. Now I know this isn't true because even though we're all about peace, balance and nature, there would still be fanatics. There is no force more destructive on this planet than a religious fanatic. Changing the world view would only create a fanatic with a different focus.

67) War terrifies me, yet I know in some cases it is the only way to protect groups of people who don't have the power to protect themselves. This causes me a lot of inner conflict.

68) I used to feel sorry for Anna Nicole Smith because of the cruddy way her husband's family treated her after he died. I still do, but much less because I've seen her show. She seems pretty good at taking care of herself.

69) I feel the need to reach out to people who are hurting.

70) Being a good mom makes me feel like an okay person.

71) I've been tempted to cut myself just to see what it feels like, but I never had the courage to do it. I have friends who say it provides relief from pain.

72) I don't feel comfortable in my own skin.

73) I don't photograph well.

74) The thought of eating liver makes my tummy shift uncomfortably. The liver is basically a filter for the body. I can't bring myself to eat anything that someone's used food products have been filtered through.

75) If my lava lamp ever breaks I will be lost. It's so relaxing to sit and watch the ooze bubble around in it.

76) It makes me crazy that I can't understand math.

77) As corny as it sounds, I do believe that all we need is love.

78) I've had wonderful sex dreams about Henry Rollins, Mel Gibson and David Bowie. I've also had some really hideous sex dreams involving John Goodman and Jerry Springer.

79) I don't think Marilyn Manson is gothic. But he sure is entertaining.

80) I dreamed about my husband four years before I met him. I remembered that dream the minute he kissed me.

81) I can read tarot cards and runes, but my current specialty is candle magick.

82) My altar is an old computer desk on wheels. All of my books and ritual tools are stashed inside.

83) Redneck jokes rock.

84) I feel as if I awaken spiritually during autumn. Spiritual energy abounds in autumn more than any other time of year and makes me feel alive.

85) I would love to have a pet bat or a baby alligator or crocodile.

86) I've been at this since about 10:30 am. There have been a lot of interruptions. It's now 1:32pm.

87) I have very crooked teeth, but will probably never be able to afford to get braces to correct them.

88) When I was in a store a few months ago buying toys for the babies I discovered that Care Bears are back in circulation because this year marks their 20th anniversary. Every good thing about having them around during my childhood came back to me in a rush. I stood there in front of the display for several minutes, sniffling and choking back tears.

89) Due to various problems within my family and some really bad business decisions my parents made, we were broke most of the time I was growing up, but my mother shopped like a madwoman to make sure we always had a good christmas. I guess it's conditioning that motivates me to do the same thing, with the same result; debt for six months afterward.

90) Most of my father's side of the family thinks I'm an incredible snob because I don't hang out with them. The truth is, they're right to an extent. I don't want to be around people who spend every waking moment marinating their brains in booze and I don't want that example to be set before my children. I'm trying to break a cycle here, people.

91) People talk about nurturing their inner child. I, on the other hand, am my inner child. Wanna play?

92) Monty Python is amazingly funny to me.

93) I think I may be sexually obsessed. Or I used to be. Now I think I'm affection-obsessed.

94) Favorite TV shows:

Spongebob Squarepants

Max Headroom

Seinfeld

I Love Lucy

Any Talk Show

95) I have been raped. The nightmares, the trust issues, the feeling of being made dirty stayed with me for a long time. I am determined that this will never happen to my daughter.

96) I still have not conquered my three greatest fears.

97) Heights terrify me.

98) Writing in my journals helps keep me sane. Or as sane as someone like me can be.

99) I could live on ice cream.

100) I miss the Greaseman, who used to do a show on DC/101 every morning (radio). He was way funnier and far less sexist than Howard Stern and always got my day off to a good start. He made some racist remarks (jokingly), over the air that pissed people off and now he's not around any more. Meanwhile Stern broadcasts from coast to coast and has his own sitcom. I actually got to talk to the Greaseman once when I was sixteen years old. I called the station and then could barely talk (or breathe), because he kept me laughing. He called me an estrogen-laden princess. I loved him for it.

101) Now that it's done, my concern is that I may have bored the hell out of my readers.

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� Dreamyautumn, 2003

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