Wednesday, Dec. 10, 2003

11:43 p.m.

[ No title ]

The last week and a half have been, to be honest yet still rather cliched, a nightmare.

Trent's been sick with a virus that gave him a raging sinus infection that went untreated for a week because the same RNP who saw him twice last week made a serious error in diagnosis. Serious because he was running a fever of 102 and sometimes higher. He couldn't sleep, he didn't want to eat. He didn't even want to get out of bed and that just not like my little tornado man at all. It's so frustrating when you know there's a problem, you see your child suffering and the medical person you're trusting to help fix it does nothing. We thought we were going to have to take him to the emergncy room at one point because his fever just wouldn't go down no matter how much Motrin we gave him. He cried so much. He never does that. Thankfully, the doctor he saw an Saturday knew her butt from her armpit, and Trent's too apparently, because she diagnosed the sinus infection and immediately gave him the prescription he should have had a week before. He's been taking breathing treatments with my nebulizer (for asthma), because the drainage was going down into his lungs and he could barely draw breath. We were terrified that he might have pneumonia.

Then last week, just a few days after Trent got sick, Zoe came down with the same virus Trent had that brought on the sinus infection. Mounting anxiety as her temperature also climbed to frightening numbers. We thought she might have strep or a sinus infection like her brother but instead she has a double ear infection. I'm so grateful we took her to see Dr.F. He saw it right away and now she's on meds for it.

John, I'm pleased to see, hasn't gotten it yet.

My mother, grandmother and father all have it though. I figure my mom and grandmother caught it when they babysat Zoe last week so I could take Trent to the doctor. Then they gave it to my dad.

I had to cancel my gyn appointment this morning. My babysitter was sick, both little ones were sick and I started my period yesterday. Man, talk about getting hit all at once. We rescheduled for the middle of January. Hopefully nothing hideous will happen between now and then.

Larry and I have been taking turns getting up with the kids and we're both wiped out. Because everyone was sick we had to cancel my borhter's birthday party last week and I'll have to call and cancel tomorrow for my niece's birthday. There's no way I can take the chance of giving her this awful virus. She was a preemie and had to have not one but two rounds of synagist. Trent was two weeks more advanced than her (born at 36 weeks), so he only had to do the one round of innoculations. That must have been really tough on my brother. I think the only thing he truly does cherish is his family.

I thought my spiritual problems were due to the holidays but now I'm not so sure. I feel some changes going on. I think I do, any way, really I'm not sure. I'll have to wait and see how I feel after the holidays, but right now I am sorely confused. I feel as if I'm leaning toward christianity, which is odd considering how much those people have pissed me off recently. There's something about it that's speaking to me, that has been speaking for awhile now and I've been trying like crazy to ignore it. I'm afraid that if I give in I'll lose everything about myself that Larry loves. I'm not that fond of me but Larry is, so I'd kind of like to keep me.

I think the biggest push toward it is being caused by the things I've been learning about the nature of forgiveness and condemnation.

I still have that one horrible thing in my past that makes me feel as if I probably shouldn't be part of any religion. Am I entitled to peace after all of this time? Logically, I say yes. Emotionally, I keep thinking not even close. I don't know how I'm ever going to get past it. The hurt and guilt have been with me so long I don't know if they can ever be made better. Part of me thinks they shouldn't, that I deserve to think about it and feel horrible every day. Not all day. Just for a little while. Then the next day comes and I get another subtle but effective reminder and the guilt knife turns for a little while longer. I keep waiting for it to get better and it never does.

That could be part of the problem. It could be the holidays. It could be that since the kids have been sick I've lost enough sleep to make me feel drunk most of the time. But none of that really matters. Knowing the cause won't change the symptom, will it?

I'm just so damned tired right now.

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� Dreamyautumn, 2003

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