I never thought it would happen because when he was on Oprah he used to get on my nerves somerthing awful, but Dr. Phil has really grown on me. I saw him on Oprah occasionally while I was flipping channels and I'd watch for maybe a minute or two then switch off again. He seemd kind of pompous to me. I think perhaps I wrote him off rather a bit too hastily. Having sat quietly and watched a few episodes of his show (starting off about three weeks ago because nothing else was on), I see that he isn't pompous or full of shit at all. He's actually very kind, clever and funny, and genuinely seems to care about the people who come to him for help.

Dr. Phil is actually quite likable. He's like that dad in the neighborhood that all of the kids go to see when they want someone to play basketball or watch wrestling with.

More importantly, I feel that he knows what he's talking about, which is why I'm going to do his weight loss challenge. Larry is going to buy the book for me some time this week.

I've tried every kind of diet, over the counter pill (my doctor fears that I'll get ketoacidosis so she won't prescribe the good stuff for me), liquid diets, severe calorie restriction, at least ten different exercise programs and motivational tapes. At best, I get short term relief then something happens to interrupt my routine or I go on a binge and that pretty much signals the beginning of the end of all of my hard work.

I think part of the reason why I can only get so far is because I have some unresolved issues that need to be dealt with. Why do I give up so easily? Why does the act of doing anything positive for myself seem so selfish and like a wasted effort?

I'm hoping that if I deal from this from a psychological perspective rather than just doing the physical work I'll get better results that will last long term. A lot of it is probably what Stephen King referred to in his book On Writing as 'high school hangover', I'm sure a lot of it also has to do with my relationships with my family and ex husband. I'm not placing blame, I'm thinking that perhaps the way I reacted to things and my self image are closely related. I have this feeling of not seeing the forest for the trees. So I need to change some things.

I'm hoping the book and program will help me do that.

One of the most positive aspects of this is that there are exercises in each chapter (so I've heard, I haven't read the book yet), that help a person to focus and figure out for her/himself what's keeping them from reaching their goals. I think I really need that. That and something to help motivate me when I don't want to exercise.

The only thing I'm unsure about is whether or not to start a weight loss journal or post my results here. I'm really going to need to have a journal for this but I'm unsure about using this one because most of my friends already know about my issues with my childhood and family, and a lot of what I'll write with regards to my progress with the program may include a lot of things that people are already probably pretty tired of seeing (I can just see people, shaking their heads and saying to themselves, "Damn - get over it already. JEE-ZUS!!"). It might just be better to have a private journal for that. I'm not sure.

I need to think about that. I have a few days until the book gets here to figure it out.