9:42 p.m.

[ A lot of bitching ]

I have the blues so bad I actually feel physically sick.

This morning L had an appointment to go back to the doctor for the illness that's been causing him to cough himself breathless out for the last five weeks. The doctor said it was irritated air passages (which sounds like complete and utter bullshit to me, even though I know he's s good doctor), gave L an Advair inhaler, tested his lungs with a sperometer and sent him home with a referral to have a chest x-ray. Needless to say, I'm scared to death. The only other time I've ever seen bronchitis hang on this long was the time I had it for several weeks and was coughing up blood. Mine was smoking induced. L Hasn't smoked in fourteen years and there's no blood but if it's worrisome enough for the doctor to make him get a chest x-ray I think it's pretty damned scary. I wanted him to get one before, but for some reason now it's scary. Go figure.

For this little bit of medical advice L had to sit for two hours in the waiting room feeling terrible, so by the time he got home he was in a majorly poopy mood.

We're hosting father's day tomorrow and he was not feeling up to going out to do the errands so I had to do them by myself. Fine by me. I got my hair done, which, sadly was the high point of my otherwise extremely hideous day. Since I woke up late and it was after 12:00 by the time I got out there was no time to apply makeup and I had to leave the house looking like my usual corpse-like self. Happens more and more lately, so it would make sense to just get used to it, but I don't like it.

I finished my errands and came home to an extremely out-of-sorts husband who proceeded to give me shit because I bought Advil, which was on the shopping list. I was in a hurry because I knew he didn't feel well and would need help with the babies so I got what was on the list and completely forgot that we had bought a big bottle of Advil a few days ago. He was totally pissed off about it because he said it was wasteful to buy another one right now. I started out calmly explaining to him that I was in a hurry to get home and had forgotten about the other bottle, but we ended up having a big argument over the fact that he was yelling at me over it. A few minutes later we got into it because I asked him what he wanted for dinner, he asked me what I was in the mood for and I told him I didn't care. At that point I didn't give a flying fuck about dinner. I was upset about him yelling at me over nothing as soon as I walked in the door. I mean, what the hell? It isn't like they'll go stale or be unused. He lives on the fucking things, just like I live on Excedrin.

So later on we calm down and apologise and he goes to lay down and leaves me with the kids, which wouldn't be a problem, except that not only am I physically exhausted by now, I'm emotionally drained too from the arguing.

I'm under a lot of pressure because not only are my brother and sister-in-law coming over tomorrow, but my cousin is too.

My cousin who will very likely be pissed when he finds out I won't let him anywhere near my house with alcohol.

My cousing who I have been uncomfortable around for years because when I was sixteen years old he got drunk and tried to put his tongue in my mouth. He gave me a ring that night. I still wear it to remind myself that sometimes we can't trust the people who are the closest to us.

My cousin who finds fault with everything and uses even the slightest little imperfection as a reason to make fun of people. He finds a soft spot, picks at it until it bleeds then keeps going at it all night long until it's hollowed out to the bone.

He makes me nervous and uncomfortable. Yet my parents felt compelled to invite him because he's doing some work on their house and they certainly wouldn't want to be rude to him, now would they?

Add to that the nice cheesy puddle of baby vomit I had to oh so carefully scrub up out of L's oriental rug this evening and the cleaning that still needs to be done and I think I might actually end up popping a fuse. My head is starting to smoke already.

The timing for all of this is not good. I'm trying to get adjusted to being back on the meds and my emotions are so out of control it's like being pregnant again (uh, no I'm not).

L is going out tomorrow morning to get his hair cut, which will leave me with two babies to chase and a house to clean while I rush around like a fucking psycho trying to get the food prepared.

I feel like if I can just get past tomorrow I'll be okay.

Lately I've been losing motivation to do things. I keep having this sinking, foreboding feeling, as if something is about to happen. Something I'm not going to like in the least.

It could just be my depression and anxiety kicking in, making everything seem catasrophic like they always do.

I wish I could keep it under control without the meds.

I wish my family were more...family-like.

I wish L and I hadn't had those arguments today. That happens so seldom it makes me feel really insecure when we do.

I'm dropping another community and my reviewing. I just don't feel motivated to keep it going any more and I'm not getting any happiness out of it.

Oh, and there's one more bright point I can add to an already stressful day:
The woman who won my E-bay auction apparently didn't read my payment instructions beforehand and is not happy about the fact that I don't accept PayPal.

Oh joy.

Just one more little item adding to the already monumental fucking pain in my ass.