The emotional BS of the day has left me completely drained and more than a little embarrassed. I was considering deleting the last two entries because now the entire world can see how neurotic I am. It's like I'm advertising my mental illness and letting people know the extent to which I am truly fucked up.

But...

Well, most people (including the ones who visit my journal regularly), have a pretty good idea of how screwed up I am so this is hardly news. Also, it might help me later to come back and see what I'm thinking when I'm like that. Maybe it will somehow help me control it. I don't see that happening, but you never know.

I haven't ruined anything for John. I pretend that it's all okay and he goes on being happy. I don't actually get happy but I look happy. The feeling of being a bad mom is in the pretending. I sometimes wonder if other people can sense it and it adds to my anxiety.

I have to sleep. No reviews for me tonight. I need rest.

G'night.