Maybe I really needed to be back here. I knew I was going off the deep end when I decided to put the journal I signed up for a few days ago (thinking I couldn't get this one up and running again), to use as a review site.

Yeah, I know, that's a lot to take on all at once.

Or maybe not. These things take time to get going. I've been trying to get back on at another site I used to review with, but I haven't heard back. In fact, no one has posted anything there in awhile. I don't know what's up with that.

Anyway, the new site isn't fancy but it feels nice and that's what's important.

I've been feeling better recently and I think I have my blues mostly under control. My situation isn't fully to blame, but I'm sure the chemicals that make the big happy are somewhat impeded by my inability to go out and the fact that I have not yet accomplished what I really want to do.

I want to raise a happy, healthy family, but I also want to write my book. The frustration is unbearable. But there's something else too, something I've felt but until today hadn't realized what it was. I didn't recognize it because I'm always surrounded by people. It makes no sense.

I'm lonely. Often. My only company most of the time is the babies and I need more time with adults. I want to be held and spoken softly to. I want scented candles and romance.

Married people who are happy with their partners and happy to be parents and happy with the lives they've chosen (in spite of the frustration at not having accomplished what they really want to do), aren't supposed to feel that way. I feel as if I'm not normal and not okay. Like there's a big piece missing from my life and I can't replace it with anything else. I'm an adult and I understand why he and I don't have as much time together as I'd like (and as he says he'd like). Our children need us and our attention.

But as selfish as this sounds I need attention too, and I've been feeling a bit neglected.

He says he is too, but so far not much seems to be getting done about it.

I thought married people didn't feel this way. I mean, part of the joy of getting married is thinking that there is an end to all of this, right?

Maybe the problem is with me. I probably expect too much. Maybe it's unreasonable to expect him to try to put forth more effort than he's doing when he works full time and we're both constantly busy with the babies.

I don't know.

I feel as if I'm being selfish by even thinking about it.