I have far fewer bad days than good days anymore (thanks to the meds), but yesterday was one of the worst. I was still upset about the incident with my husband, and I didn't realize it at the time, but something that happened a few days ago was still bothering me as well.

Fuckface called me last week and asked if he could take John hunting in about two weeks.

We all know how I feel about that.

My first impulse was to say no.

My second impulse was to say drop dead and rot.

Then I thought about it. What does FF do without fail every time he approaches me about something he wants to do with John and I tell him no? The same thing he does when I approach him and ask him directly not to do something (like, smoking around John when he knows he's so allergic to it).

He does it anyway and then lies about it.

This way at least I'll know where my baby is. I'm hoping and praying they won't make a kill. If John does, they've already been told they're not cleaning (is that the right term?), it here, it will have to be bled, skinned and whatever at FF's house.

I hate this, but the alternative is to never know when my child is going to be out of town.

Apparently FF works with a guy who has some land out in Virginia that he hunts and told FF it was okay to take John there for his first hunting trip. John's (redneck larvae), friends hunt with their dads and he wants to try it.

All of the times we've talked about why it's bad to hurt animals, wasted.

All of the times I've felt so fortunate that my son never went through that cruelty to animals phase that's supposed to be a part of a boy's maturing process, spent deluded.

I wish there was something I could do to stop this.

Unfortunately (according to my attorney), the law in Maryland allows us to be reactive parents rather than proactive ones. He'll have to be hurt on this or another hunting trip before I can legally step in to put a stop to it.

FF told me he wasn't bringing FF Junior, that he would never even put a gun in his hands because Junior's personality makes him too volatile to have a gun.

Yeah, okay.

The boy raped and impregnated his own sister but in spite of my pleading with FF to keep Jr. away from John, he has the two of them together at every opportunity. I'm terrified of what could happen to my son in that boy's presence either with or without a gun, but twice as much with one. I guess I should refer to Jr. as a "man" now considering that he just turned 30 last summer, but he really still only has the maturity level of an eleven year old. I'm not kidding. He finds twelve year old girls sexy. He also has shown some homosexual tendencies and cross dresses sometimes. Not that all homosexuals target children, I know they don't. But Jr. does.

That's another concern about letting John go on this trip. FF said Jr. wasn't going but FF also lies about everything so I feel no sense of trust in what he says.

And all I can do about it is wait to see if John will end up hurt.

The laws in this state regarding child endangerment make me want to fucking puke.

I didn't realize how heavily that was lying on my mind until Larry said something about it.

It was one of those moments of "Wow-yeah, that's it."

I hadn't even been thinking about it, just feeling really bad, especially when John brought home some empty shell casings from the gun he and FF had been practicing with last weekend. It gave me the willies but I shuddered and passed it off as something I'd rather not think about. I now know exactly how much it really is bothering me.