I am so tired right now, but I know I won't be able to sleep unless I write this out.

My grandmother went through her surgery okay but developed problems later on. She had an allergic reaction to the pain meds and it caused her to hold a lot of fluid. She has heart problems and is carrying more weight than she needs, so the excess fluid caused her to be miserable with respiratory problems. Once the medical team got her pumped full of diuretics she started to do better but then began running a fever. I spoke to her today and she didn't have much to say, which I thought was because she was so stoned from all of the pain medication she was on. Having a hip replacement is pretty serious surgery. It turns out she was having such difficulty breathing she could barely speak. There was so much noise on my end I couldn't hear her as well as I should so I couldn't tell she was having respiratory problems. I also didn't know the other problems she was having until my mother got back today.

My aunt has been sleeping in my grandmother's room at the hospital in case she needs something but can't get to the nurse call button. It's a good thing she's doing that because last night my grandmother, in a painkiller-induced cloud, had a nightmare and lashed out, ripping out her intravenous tube. My aunt heard her struggling and awoke to find my grandmother all bloody and completely confused. She bloodied her gown, one side of the bed, the sheets and blanket, and spilled some on the floor. My aunt called the nurses and they had to do a cleanup in the middle of the night. My grandmother is now running a fever again and no one knows why.

She went in for a hip replacement. How did all of this other stuff happen? I don't understand how a person goes in for a routine surgical procedure and ends up with a fever and night terrors. She was losing a lot of blood from the site where the IV had been inserted and could have bled to death.

It makes me wonder if she's about to cross over.

She can't do that. I haven't been out to see her yet. I don't know if I can stand myself if I don't see her before, if something does indeed happen to her.

Maybe her doctor will be able to at least get her stabilized by tomorrow morning. Her fever worries me, though.

I can't stand the thought of anything happening to her. She's one of the few people I feel as if I can really trust and I love her so much. We don't get to see each other nearly enough and I don't want to lose her without having the chance to tell her goodbye.

I hope she'll be all right.

I applied to become staff with a good review site this evening, not knowing this situation with my grandmother is so severe. Now it just seems unimportant.

She's my nanny. That's what I've called her ever since I could talk.

How can I be without my nanny?