I wish I hadn't over reacted the way I did. We were bathing the kids and I was trying to pour some cold water into the tub because I had made it too hot, when a drop or two splashed down on Larry's leg. He took the cup from me and threw half of the cold water on me, paused then threw the rest of it. I was soaked, the bathroom was a mess and he was laughing. I knew he was joking but the sudden shock of cold water on me, sticking my clothes to me (making me feel even colder), and the watery mess that was everywhere pissed me off and I over-reacted. I yelled at him and left the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. We exchanged words then made up a little while later after we had about ten minutes to cool down.

I'm still a little bothered by it though.

And of course this would have to happen on a Saturday night, when the people who have lives are out having a good time. So naturally there's no one to talk to.

It figures.

He and I had an uncomfortable exchange about child care this evening too because I mentioned that I wish we had more time alone together. He also reminded me that my parents keep saying they'll watch the babies then don't do it nearly as often as they say they will. My dad says, "Sure - anytime!", and my mom says, "But not for awhile - we're still trying to get the house ready for sale." He seems to think I don't know that. As if I don't remember that they keep doing the back and forth shit.

It doesn't help that we don't have anyone else we can trust to watch the kids. We don't have any kind of social life, so we don't know anyone who might be able to take the kids for a few hours. If my parents can't take them, we either take them with us (anyone who has ever tried to have a day out with two babies knows what I'm talking about, don't even fucking try the dinner and a movie thing, because it isn't gonna happen), which limits our activities considerably, or we wait until my folks aren't busy. I guess I shouldn't be unhappy. We did have a day out almost five weeks ago after all.

Meanwhile I spend way too much time at home because in order to go out and do my errands I have to have someone watch the kids. I can't fit them, their gear and all of the groceries or whatever I'm shopping for in one cart and I sure as hell can't push two carts. I feel very isolated and claustrophobic most of the time. When we got married he promised me it wouldn't be like this. I'd been married with a child before. Did he think I would forget how confining it can be? I had concerns. I wanted these babies and I love them, but occasionally I have to have some time away. He gets out to go to work every day, and he has the option of stopping at the shooting range on the way home or going out to play golf (or again, going to the fucking shooting range), on weekends. What am I doing while he's off doing that?

Hanging out at home.

I don't have a problem with caring for my children, they're my whole life and I don't want to even imagine being without them. So I feel like I'm being a bad mom if I say, "Wait a minute...um, I haven't been out of the house in three weeks...I need to get out."

Most of the time I'm pretty happy with my life. I vent but that doesn't mean I'm not happy.

I feel so isolated, so apart from everything sometimes though.

It would be worth going back into therapy just so I could have an hour to myself once a month.

Okay, it's late. Self pity time is now officially over.

I'm going to go clean the aquarium now. This is the only time I can get it done because everyone else is asleep.

I hope Zoe sleeps long enough for me to get a shower afterward. I don't want to spend most of the night covered in fish waste and algae.

But then, what difference would it make? It's not like I'm going anywhere.