From my other journal, dated August 1, 2002

I was watching something on the Discovery channel tonight about the story that inspired The Exorcist, when I had an epiphany. I had seen the show before but was watching it again to see one of the priests that was being interviewed regarding the actual exorcism because I know him. At least I used to. His name is Francis Cleary and he was the priest at the church I attended with my parents. He gave me my first holy communion when I was eleven years old. He was (and most likely still is), an absolutely wonderful man; kind, soft spoken with a great sense of humor and a gentle, reassuring way about him. Every memory I have of him is positive. He was the only priest I had known prior to meeting Father Martin at my niece's baptism two weeks ago, that made the whole catholic churchgoing experience less scary for me as a child. The old term "God Fearing" applied to me hugely back then. A catholic church is a huge, cavernous structure as a rule (reflecting perfectly the role of catholicism as the most wealthy faith system in existence), dark and echoing. The kind of place that can simultaneously inspire reverence and terror with it's dark interior and sense of separation from the outside world. It feels very much like a secret society to me, a group of people with whom I generally have always had very little in common, even when I was supposed to be one of them. The stained glass windows add to that effect, sealing out a view of the outside and making the interior of the church seem darker. They're beautiful, though. Art with a purpose.
Anyway, Father Cleary's presence seemed to hold light, something that shone brightly from within. It made the church he presided over seem a lot less dark and a bit more like home. He ministered in that same way. He spoke the word of God but never with a monotonous feel and always had something light-hearted to add here and there that made the message all the more meaningful.
He left St. Mary's and I was too young or inattentive (probably more the latter than the former), to remember where he went, though I'm sure we were all told where and why.
I now know he went to St. Louis.
What I'm unclear on, thanks to this being the second time that my attention was drawn away from the program by a baby who wanted to play (but what a pleasant distraction), is his connection to the case. He either knew one of the priests who attended to the possessed boy or his position as a professor with St. Louis University. Hold on while I look that up.
Later...
Okay, apparently he teaches a course on evil and the demonic tradition. That actually sounds pretty interesting.
Anyway...
The point to all of this is that I think I may have finally made peace with my christian past, and lost a lot of the animosity I've been holding on to toward christianity in general.
I never felt comfortable in a christian atmosphere. As I began to study other religions I discovered that this was because I was never meant to follow the christian path. Unfortunately, in the casting off of the old belief system I had quite a bit of difficulty in losing the dogma associated with it. From what I've learned in my studies and through talking with other witches, this is actually pretty common. The struggle exists in knowing you were meant for something else, but still being somewhat psychologically manipulated on a subconscious level by a belief system that tells you that to believe anything else will lead you toward damnation. Being raised in one belief system subconsciously tethers you to it in a very strong way. So in order to pursue your truth you have to be willing to do some serious restructuring of what you're willing to accept and what you're willing to reject in the spiritual sense.
It's a rather awkward and sometimes painful thing that for me was made even more painful by the knowledge that to embrace my truth (however beautiful and uplifting it is to me), meant that I couldn't share it with 99.9% of my family.
I finally understood why newly converted christians refer to the process of conversion as being "born again". I was indeed being reborn. It was miraculous, it was beautiful, it was fulfilling and nourished my spirit, but it was painful on a very personal level.
Part of that pain was the belief that to go one way meant that I had to reject everything having to do with the other. I could no longer enjoy the few things about it that had once brought me comfort and happiness.
However wrong this particular path is for me, not everything about it was horrible.
For me, some good was born from my involvement in it.

Christianity IS sexually repressive but it's also about treasuring your virginity and seeing it as a gift to be given to one person. A person chosen, bound to you by love and faith, who will be with you forever. That's a beautiful idea that transcends all belief systems. I first began to learn this in the catholic church.


~


It DOES say that to believe in any other religion is to damn yourself, but it is not the only religion that does this. In doing so it gave me, a self-directed girl who became a self-directed woman, the desire to study other religions and see if everything else was as evil as it was said to be. In an indirect way it issued a challenge. In a very direct way it sparked my curiosity.


~


Both of those teachings have worked out well for me. They have made me a romantic and a spiritually independent being. I'm not sure if I would have come by either of those elements of myself had I not had an upbringing in the church. So even though I didn't realize it at the time, it was a good thing.
Still...
Christianity DOES teach that women are of less value than men in the eyes of God and are therefore to be treated as such here on Earth.
I disagree. For the obvious reasons. Not just because I'm a woman, but because I am a human being. No one of us is any more valuable than the other. This is yet another contradiction in the bible, which says in the book of Timothy (chapter 1 verse 1), that woman should neither be allowed to teach or to have authority over a man because Adam was created first, then in the book of Matthew (book 25 chapter 40), Jesus says, "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."
So which is it, I always wondered?
Are women to be treated as less than men or as equals?
I know what I'll be teaching my daughter, no question about that. Much woe will rain down upon the misguided moron who so much as attempts to make her feel inferior.
This is the main problem I have had with christianity, in that it not only teaches that women are inferior, that it teaches that hatred toward other races, gays, and other people who are different is okay. Then it goes on to say that we should love "our brother".
The debate over the ethnic identity of Christ himself and the open hostility toward gay people in the christian community does make one wonder. So much hostility comes from those who pretend to "love their brothers".
I thought about those things tonight. I also thought about how it's almost a given that new witches will loathe christians for the horrors inflicted upon...who (?), during the Crusades and the hysteria that swept across Europe and even made it's way here after the Malleus Maleficarum was published.
Firstly, how many witches were actually killed? It's hard to say, considering how many millions of people were slaughtered. The ratio of christians who were tortured and murdered is probably equal to or higher than the number of witches who died due to the number of converts to christianity and the number of people who would never reveal their true spiritual identity, out of fear for their safety and that of their families.
Secondly, that was a long time ago, folks.
To hate people now for acts committed in the name of religion hundreds of years ago is the same as hating people today for slavery. It's a pretty safe bet that none of the people who were actually responsible are still around. They haven't been for a long time.
And while conditions aren't perfect they are much better.
Don't forget because that will leave history open to repeat itself, but don't keep that hatred going, either.
At least now we can practice under full protection of our legal rights whereas even fifty years ago we weren't as accepted and probably only had limited protection.
And now wicca and other pagan religions are accepted by the United Nations as valid forms of spiritual expression.
I guess I've finally made my peace with christianity. Not that new offenses of prejudice against us won't piss me off, but I think I'm more able to see how they might be declining. I no longer think of christians as the enemy.
Sure, there are a lot of them, and sure, most of them hate us and misunderstand who we are and what we do. Sure, we will continue to be misrepresented and just plain lied about in the media but really, what difference does it make?
More and more people are learning about what we do and what our truth is in spite of it all.
I'm just tired of fighting over it. I've grown beyond that.
If someone wants to learn about who we are I'll be happy to tell them, but I'm done fighting with people who simply want to argue the issue of who's right and who isn't.
That was my epiphany, such as it was.