From my other journal, dated September 7, 2002

I keep saying I'm going to workout and take better care of myself but I don't. I either don't get the time to work out because the babies are so demanding, or I do it for a little while and then give up because finding the time to exercise uninterrupted is such a challenge.

But the fact remains that after my last two babies I look absolutely disgusting. I had them pretty close together anyway, and here it is a week after Zoe's first birthday and I'm still too...round. I know girls are supposed to be soft, but I don't think we're supposed to be this soft. I hate the way I look. More importantly, the longer I let this go, the more difficult it will be to rid myself of it because my diabetes makes my body work against me.

In the 80s we had the 20 Minute Workout - it was so great! The way it was shot was completely cool, the workout itself was total body and very fun and upbeat, and best of all, it only took 20 Minutes.

So I went looking for something like that today and while I didn't find any of the old 20 Minute tapes, I did find a nice set with a 30 minute workout and calipers that is specially made for working the entire body.

BOO YA!!

I liked the "Stop the Insanity" program once upon a time, when I only had one child and he was in kindergarten for half of the day. Then he went to first grade and I had my choice of times to work out. Not so any more. The STI program takes an hour if you use one tape, but can take as long as two if you add in the ABS & OILS tape, three if you use the motivational audiocassette. The way I see it, if I'm going to get any results I'm going to have to establish a regular routine. Unfortunately, my efforts to do so in the past have been miserably unsuccessful because I was trying to time my workouts to when the babies were napping. Only they no longer nap at the same time every day. I could have Larry watch the kids in the evening so I can do it then, except that by the time he gets home a full day of mommying has made me very tired and approximately half brain-dead. I'm a slug.

So the only time I can see when this might be workable is early in the morning after I get John out to school and Larry leaves for work. I can do the workout tape I ordered on weekdays and then hit the treadmill downstairs on weekends. I used to have a picture of Kate Moss taped to my desk for inspiration (my husband came home one day and asked me why I had a picture of a half-naked, emaciated woman in our room - LOL). That may be too small for me to aspire to, though. This body has had three children, after all.

Still...I can't help but remember when I weighed about 92 pounds and wore a size 3. I think I'd have to work out every day for a year to get back to that size, and I'm not even sure it can be done then.

What sparked all of this? I hate the way I look. I hate the way my energy levels are always stuck on "E" and I hate not being able to buy something pretty to wear because of my big ass.

Yes, I'm afraid it's true.

Besides, lately my lower back has started to hurt and I just don't feel right. In my pictures I don't look as if I've gotten that big, but I hide it well because I'm embarrassed by it. Our skeletons were not meant to carry huge amounts of weight, and that's not a flaw in the design, that's a defense mechanism our creators installed to try and keep us more level. So even though I don't look like I'm grossly overweight to other people, I really am. Terribly.

I'm going to drink more water and start watching my carbs. 15 grams of carb is a serving.

I've set a goal. I have seventy pounds to lose and I want to drop at least forty by my birthday. That gives me six months. Forty pounds in six months is not at all unreasonable. If I can do that I'll be most of the way to my goal by my birthday. By John's birthday in July I should be exactly where I need to be. Maybe then I can have a piece of cake every once in awhile without worrying. The type of diabetes I have (adult type 2), is controllable with diet, exercise and a healthy lifestyle. I have to keep reminding myself of that.

So Monday, even though my exercise video won't be here I'm going to start exercising on the treadmill. Getting up early sucks but I have to do this sometime and since I have to be up to get John out to school anyway...

Well, there it is.

~~~~

My husband told me something a few days ago that really made me feel better about my relationship with my SIL. Larry's not especially close with his brother, whom I adore because we have so much in common and he's such a loveable guy, but their relationship is better than it was. However, he does not like my SIL at all. Not even a little.

When he told me that I was so relieved. I just kind of melted into the sofa and let Trent put his knees in my back (usually I hate that because it hurts).

She may very well have my spiritual number, because my SIL uses every opportunity to try and weasel information out of me regarding religion. After not being in touch for about fifteen years, Larry finally reunited with his family last year and this chick has been working on me ever since. She never comes right out and asks - goodness, no. That would be rude. She hints and tapdances around the subject, all the while telling us about her church and her beliefs. I don't have a problem with that. Believe what makes ya happy, kiddo.

But I wish she'd give me a break with the 20 questions.

This is a really sensitive subject because most of the people in this country are christian and they tend to not like, or be completely afraid of witches and other pagan types. I am delighted to see that there are some really nice christians here that don't do that.

Just so you know, you guys rock.

Anyway, I discussed this with my husband before I met them and he advised me to not tell them anything until they ask and then maybe keep the description of my faith as vague as possible. Fair enough. Most of my family doesn't even know so I was totally okay with that. I'm willing to do whatever keeps the peace. Since most of my life has been spent experiencing the opposite of that, now I take every opportunity to make sure that there's as little negativity and are as few conflicts as possible. If that means I have to keep my religion to myself when all I want to do is share it and rejoice, so be it. I now accept that as a natural part of my life and it doesn't bother me the way it used to.

So the last time we visited his family a few months ago, my SIL starts another conversation like that, only this time it was about her son getting accepted into a school for gifted kids with a huge waiting list. Good for him. Maybe he'll get a good education and eventually get the hell out of Dodge (so to speak). The main reason my SIL was so thrilled about this was because it meant that she no longer would have to try to homeschool, which isn't easy when a person is as busy as she is. The reason she wanted to homeschool is because homosexuals are allowed to teach in the public school system. I almost dropped my teeth when she said that. The shock was amazing. Apparently the local school had hired a gay teacher and she was livid.

For a moment I was speechless.

Then she said,"I don't know how you feel about that..."

She was obviously looking for more, but I just took the opening and let her know how I felt about that subject only.

I told her that just because a person is gay I don't automatically assume that they're a child molester or have weak moral character. If that teacher worked at a school my children attended he could come in wearing a frilly tutu and tap shoes for all I care as long as he was a good and caring teacher. He could stand on the desk and sing showtunes from "Torch Song Trilogy" for all I give a damn as long as he had an educational reason for it.

This did not go over well.

She shouldn't have asked then.

I could see her mentally adding that to some of the other things I've said over the last year that show we don't see eye-to-eye on most issues. And it isn't because she's christian either.

In this girl's humble opinion, it's because she's a judgemental dolt. So what if the teacher is gay? It doesn't necassarily follow that he's going to molest children.

As they pointed out on a recent (and very funny), episode of South Park, straight people do that too.

Besides, her sweeping generalization enforces a negative stereotype and haven't we all come a bit too far to still be clinging to those?

Michael Jordan's black, does that mean that someday he'll be on welfare? Harvey Fierstein's jewish, does that mean he'll eventually own half of the country and control the media?

I'm irish, does that mean I'm doomed to become a hopeless chain-smoking alcoholic?

So yeah, I'm relieved that my husband doesn't like her. Because to be perfectly honest, I'm not her biggest fan. She assumes way too much and is hideously bigoted. She was educated in good schools and is a teacher herself, how does an educated human being develop and hang on to such views of people?

Besides, every time we go to visit my husband's family I am put under intense scrutiny when she's around. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. If she really wants to know, why on earth doesn't she just come out and ask me instead of using this constant "tiny interrogation" technique? She's obviously already decided that I'm not only the liberal SIL, but also the fag - loving SIL now, what's it going to hurt to come out and ask me and be sure?

Sheesh.

We're going out for a few days in November for Thanksgiving. That will suck but I get to stay home for christmas - YAY ME!!

I'm actually looking forward to it this year. Generally I hate that horrible holiday.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAuuuuuuuugh!! What the hell happened to me??

:-)