From my other journal, dated October 1, 2002

It occurred to Larry and I this morning that we have appointments to have our teeth examined and cleaned on Saturday. Two weeks ago I asked my mom to watch the babies so we wouldn't have to take them with us to the dentist's office and she said yes. Today she said she doesn't remember me ever asking her.

So now we have to either take them or cancel one of the appointments, which we don't like to do because our dentist is really good and we like going. Yeah, you read that right. Not only do we have to see her every six months we like going because she's so gentle. We did not, however want to take turns trying to keep Trent and Zoe from running all over while we're there.

This week just gets better by the day.

This morning Larry threw away my credit card statement after tearing it in half because he thought it was something else. My guestbook, just like every other thing associated with diaryland, is temperamental and only works when it wants to, so I had to find another one and I'm not as happy with it as I should be.

My mom did change her mind about watching the kids this weekend though. She can do it on Saturday night around five pm. How nice. That gives us just about enough time to drive around and find a restaurant in Frederick with a line that isn't spilling out onto the sidewalk (because Frederick is a small town, everything is pretty much full by five pm, we've waited as long as 95 minutes for an empty table). By the time we finish our dinner it will be too late to see a movie because we have to be back early enough to relieve my parents, who will be wasted from working on their house all day and sitting with my very energetic babies all evening.

We'll have to rush through our dinner and won't have time to do anything else.

Why the fuck are we even going to bother, I wonder, when there won't be enough time to relax and enjoy it?

At this point I'd be happy to have one of Larry's coworkers babysit if any lived close by.

I trust H, who lives about 30 minutes away, but he and his wife don't have any children, haven't spent any time with children and have no experience. My kids would eat them alive. They're really good babies, but they can also really run a person into the ground with all of their boundless energy and constant exploration.

I'm seriously considering discussing with Larry the possibility of skipping the whole thing in favor of waiting until we can get some more comprehensive help. If we can't take our time and enjoy it, there's really no point.

In fact, I think I will.

When I said what I did about giving up, I didn't mean anything drastic, just that I'm not even going to try to make plans to go out and do anything that isn't errand or home related any more. It isn't worth the stress of having to jump through forty figuratively flaming hoops to see a freaking movie. Eventually it will either be on PPV or cable. That's how I see most movies anyway.

I changed things around here and took down that damnable guestbook. I think it looks nicer this way and the guestbook doesn't work half the time any more anyway, so I'm okay with this.

I think I may be emitting hot waves of pure unfiltered evil right now. My mood hasn't been this foul in a long time.

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Later on:

I haven't really felt like myself for over a week. My moods have been swinging wildly and more often than not I've been very, very bummed.

Dark room full of despair and nothingness kind of bummed.

The depression would break here and there and I'd get the other end of the spectrum - a mood so elevated the only way to describe it is that it's so good you'd want to call the cable company and in complete sincerity thank them for the service.

Over the last few days, however, those times of big happy have grown further and farther between. This (coupled with the fact that I get out so seldom), has really been working on me. I used to think my depression was situational because I'd feel so wonderful when I stopped taking the Elavil. Now I'm rethinking that. It could be that along with the delightful case of PTSD I got from my years with the ex, staying in a state of almost perpetual depression during our marriage has given me a chemical imbalance as well. According to my doctor it's quite common. My therapist

told me the same thing.

Extended periods of depression cause the brain to lose it's ability to produce the chemicals (dopamine, I think), that regulate mood.

I think I had better start taking my Elavil again. I loathe the sexual side effects (as in, decreased sensitivity - sex is still okay, but not as mind blowing as it would be without the meds, sadly it isn't even close), but it does keep me more regulated. There are other meds I could take that don't have that affect, but they made me feel worse in other ways; nausea, weakness, excruciating headaches. No thanks.

Also, I've been having trouble sleeping and today I knew I was hitting bottom when the act of making myself a turkey sandwich seemed like too much effort. I didn't want to move. I didn't even want to eat. It was all I could do to get up out of my chair and tend to my children. When I get like that everything feels impossible. Nothing is good, nothing works and nothing can be done about it.

When I stop taking the meds I feel okay for awhile then the depression always comes back. I thought I had gotten past it this time. My doctor told me that if it happened again, after all of the times I have quit the meds only to need them again after a few weeks, we would know it is due to a chemical imbalance and treat it on a more permanent basis.

I thought I was doing so well. I'm really disgusted with myself.

So I start taking them again tonight. In a few minutes, actually.

Tomorrow my doctor will have to be told.

It sucks but I'd rather take the meds than feel like this, and I know my patterns well enough to know that it only gets worse until I medicate. I am simply unable to regulate on my own.

Damn. I've been through this so many times I've developed a pattern.

That's pretty messed up.