From my other journal, dated October 10, 2002

I'm convinced that the problem lies with me. There is something in me that causes everything to become a big deal, which grows ever bigger until it completely overwhelms me.

I've done it again.

Only now my mind seems to be taking the other road as well, reminding me that what happened may not be that big a deal at all and nothing that all men don't do. They do and I know it.

It was the lie that hurt me worse than what he was doing. I caught him and he sat there and lied to my face as if he thinks I'm too stupid to know what I saw. That really bothers me.

I asked him if he chats with other women on the internet.

* He said no.

I asked him if he cybers.

* He said no.

Those answers, both right and what I wanted to hear, failed miserably in making me feel better. I just don't know what to believe now. What else could he be lying about?

Here I was feeling really bad and like there was something wrong with me because I was having those amazing dreams about H, when the whole time my husband was doing...that.

I've managed to lose a little weight, not much but a little. I have the distinct feeling that it won't matter. He'll still be doing what he was doing and even if I get back down to my all-time low weight record of 89 pounds he'll still be doing it. He hasn't slept with anyone else yet that I know of, but he's a great looking man and the opportunities are there.

I was reminded of that yesterday when he got home from work and told me that some woman from NY, who toured the lab and met with him about some product or other three weeks ago invited him to go to Hawaii with her. He told me about their conversation. She was extremely disappointed when he told her he was married with two small children. At least he told her. Or he says he did.

I really don't fucking know.

This woman had my husband on her mind for three weeks. For three weeks she waited for a chance to get her foot in the door, to let him know she wants him. She has made it very clear that she likes him alot and is tremendously interested. That kind of attention is very flattering to a man. To anyone, really.

I know other women like him. There's no way they could not like him. He's smart, funny, talented, charming. He makes a good living and is fun to be with. I've seen how other women react to him and it makes me uncomfortable.

I'm jealous. I admit it.

His point in telling me the about this woman (he says), was to show me that he's faithful and isn't interested in anyone else because he has such a wonderful wife at home. As if he'd tell me if he took her into an empty room somewhere and fucked her.

Yeah, okay Hon. Whatever.

He's doesn't come home late very often and he calls me several times a day, so I have to believe that he's still interested in me, at least a little.

It may be a lot, who the fuck knows?

Maybe this is all about me being insecure. Maybe I'm projecting my insecurities onto him. Maybe my depression is making me feel like this. Maybe it's my weight.

I don't know.

I'm not even sure it matters.