After much thinking and being unsure about which of my many faults I might reasonably be able to actively endeavor to correct, I have come to the conclusion that the main three are the control of my PTSD and the accompanying mood swings, my inability to live without Diet Coke, and my weight. All three have been either out of control or only marginally controlled for a long time and that's not good.

* I'm going to go back to using 2/3 the dosage of my depression meds instead of just 1/3 dose for awhile and see if that helps. If by my birthday in March I'm still having such severe, non-holiday related mood swings it's time to see my doctor and have my meds changed. That is a little scary to me because Elavil is the only thing I've tried thus far that not only works, but doesn't have evil side effects. On Effexor I threw up at least once a day and on Wellbutrin my hands shook so hard I could barely unlock my door when I went home. Paxil made me feel generally yucky. Maybe upping the Elavil will help. It's still not a full dose so I can still increase it if I need to.

* Resolution two is tough because I've really grown attached to Diet Coke with Lemon. I think it's the tastiest substance on earth. However, I have recently become aware of Aspartame Poisoning, both as an illness and it's effects on diabetics, and no longer feel as secure about drinking it. Apparently it doesn't help diabetics maintain control over their sugars and there are a lot of other debilitating problems it can cause so I've decided to err on the side of caution. Admittedly, learning about Aspartame Poisoning really made me angry because diabetics have such a limited diet as it is. Drinking just water gets mighty fucking boring. I think I have another option open to me though, in the form of Splenda, which is safe for diabetics and doesn't turn into formaldehyde in a person's system (Aspartame does).

* Resolution three is the most difficult because extra weight really hangs on to diabetics and while I'm not one of those people who looks like it could kill me (admittedly, as disgusting and hideous as I look I still don't look like I have 70 pounds to lose - or at least that's what people tell me), it could. In terms of my overall health and sugar control, the weight has got to come off. I've been basically getting nowhere with it for the last three years and it's way past time to have some success. Because of the way they break down in the system, my doctor has advised me to not go on any shakes or other supplemental type diet solutions because they can cause me to develop ketoacidosis and that's not good. She does reccommend Weight Watchers so within the next few days I'm going to check them out. Cost may be a problem but right now I'm not sure. If it helps it might just be worth it, and my doctor has told me about several of her other patients who have gotten excellent results with the program. It's a lifestyle change rather than a quick fix and it's safe, so I do feel more comfortable trying that than going back on the shakes. The shakes taste like mud, Slim-Fast especially. El gaggo.

So that's pretty much it. I think they're realistic. I'd like to get my book written this year too, but considering the time factors and the high maintenance of my two babykins here, I doubt I'll be able to do very much about that. Still, if I get anything done, that's something, right? It's still being done, even if it isn't finished when I want it to be. Perhaps I need to give myself a break about that and just allow it to take whatever slow course it will and just be happy if any of it get's done at all.

That sounds so weak.

But it's the best I can do.

Happy new year everyone!!