11:41 p.m.

[ I wonder... ]

I was making a short entry in my dream journal a few minutes ago and it managed to shatter the good mood I had in my last entry here. I have been having dreams about L leaving me to be with a teenage girl. It isn't the first time, either, but there have been lots more just recently. I think the fact that we've gone so long without any intimate contact with one another is partly the reason for my nightmares, my insecuritites are probably the other. I have had a cold, he's had bronchitis which is going away, but very slowly, the kids have been sick. Those things all have had a role in preventing us from getting closer. It's been five weeks though, and I'm beginning to wonder if he's losing interest in me, in spite of his reassurances that this isn't so. This weekend we're going out of town (not to mention the fact that my killer PMS has finally lapsed over into full-fledged M), so there's nothing of that kind going on now, either.

I don't necessarily need to have the sex (although I do like that, um...a lot), but I do need the feeling of being appreciated. I like being held and having my hair touched and feeling the warmth of another person sitting or lying close to me. I like romance, it doesn't always have to have sex associated with it.

I miss the sex terribly, but I think I miss the other things even more, the romantic things we used to do just about every day. It feels as if we are losing part of our connection. The intense emotional connection is as strong as it ever was but the physical is going away.

What scares me the most about this is the fact that L and his ex wife withdrew from one another like that until they eventually slept in different rooms. For the last four years of their marriage they didn't have any physical contact. No kissing, no sex, no holding (I love the holding - I don't know how anyone can go without that), no nothing. They were like two strangers living in the same house because they spoke only in passing, the way you do with an unfamiliar neighbor.

I feel the absence of the holding the most. I know the babies require a lot of care but we have to make ourselves a priority too.

I'm beginning to wonder if there's more to it than he's saying.