12:45 a.m.

[ PS2 and other minutiae ]

It's been a difficult few days. My cold is better and the babies are getting better by degrees, but hubby had a hard time last week. Yesterday he went into a fit of coughing and coughed so hard he passed out. One minute he was on the way across the room to pick up a baby, the next he was on the floor out cold. Z was in the playpen and saw him drop, which scared the hell out of her and made her cry. It scared me too, especially since he came to with his hands shaking and didn't know who I was.

He didn't recognize me. That bothered me the most because it shows how far away from himself he really was. He's okay though. I have been watching him all day for signs of weirdness and so far he hasn't shown any.

Other than the usual ones, I should say.

* snicker *

He insisted that we still go shopping so we did and had a pretty good time. I came home with a PS2 and some cool games to go with it.

* Spongebob Squarepants

* Vampire Hunter D

* Jeopardy (yes, I'm a nerd. And I'm at one with my nerdhood)

* Harry Potter

* Resident Evil: Code Veronica X

Apparently the time was good for buying them because Sony dropped the price recently from nearly three hundred dollars to $199.00. So the creep who nearly ripped us off sort of did us a favor. We got the same thing, only cheaper.

My brother is coming over tomorrow. I can't believe that. His daughter is off of the monitors and ready to go visiting so they're going to convoy over with my folks. I cleaned house all day Friday before I even knew about it, but I'm still not sure it doesn't need more. I might do the bathrooms but for the rest of the house I make no apologies. My kids and hubby have been very sick and needed care. That comes before the housework, I don't give a damn if the Queen of England is coming over. Hell, she can grab a mop and a bottle and pitch in. She'd better get her elderly ass moving too, because I want this place spotless by the end of the day.

I was thinking it wasn't a good time to have them over but if I wait until I'm ready it will never happen. The house is clean but I'm finding little nitpicky things to worry over like the fact that it's been two days since I dusted and there are probably going to be toys all over the place. My brother isn't used to kids leaving their stuff everywhere yet. Laney's still in boneless chicken mode, so the only messes she makes these days are in her dydee.

I hope this will be okay. Even the thought of having my brother in my house makes me shake in my shoes.

I'm worrying over a lot of nothing, I'm sure. At least I hope so.

I hate not knowing where I stand with him. My brother has been nice for awhile but anyone who knows my family knows that means nothing.

If he causes some kind of disturbance to my peace tomorrow I know I'll collapse. I've worked too hard to have a nice peaceful environment. It took a long time, immeasurable effort and the right man to help things along and I am fanatically defensive of my peace and the balance of peace in my home.

Why the hell does he want back in my life now, when evrything is okay? Why couldn't my brother have been my friend when I really needed him, when my life had gone to shit and I wanted to die? Why can't he leave me the hell alone and not set me up to be emotionally drop-kicked again?

Why the hell am I letting him back in when I know that's what will happen?

Good question. The only answer I have is that even after all of his bullshit I want to believe that there's some latent good in him that makes him understand that he's behaved like a shit.

Maybe he wants to make amends.

I'm cool with that.

In spite of all he did I still love him and I want him to love me.

But I can't bring myself to trust him.

I don't think I ever will.

My head is too full tonight (this morning). I'm going to bed.

But before I do...

Toni, I apologise for jumping the gun on you like that. It was an observation I made from seeing lots of the same types of statements over the last several months. I wasn't trying to pry into your business or jump in your case, I was just concerned about you. As is my custom, I overreacted.