10:59 p.m.

[ I couldn't ask for more ]

I may have to relocate all of the memorials to my Butterfly Goddess site and link the pages from there. In addition to the ones I added myself, I've gotten two submissions (thanks and blessed be, BJ & FaeCat), and I still haven't found the appropriate graphics for the Brandon Teena and Matthew Shepherd memorials. I refuse to use morgue photos or casket photos (crime scene photos aren't even an option either, if someone they know happens upon my site and sees them, that could be devastating). If I can't find a good image I can substitute something else, like I did with most of the others. The idea is to inspire reverence and reflection, not horror.

Speaking of which, in looking for the image for the holocaust memorial, I happened upon a graphically disgusting film called (dig this), Cannibal Holocaust. Lots of people think it's the inspiration for the Blair Witch project, although Myrick and Sanchez have both publically stated that they have never heard of it.

The synopsis is this; student film makers take some equipment and disappear into the jungle (Amazon, I think), to film a documentary about the natives. It seems that though they start out making a documentary about the daily life of the natives, they get bored and eventually film themselves raping, beating and killing them. I'm not sure how the natives get a hold of the equipment but they film themselves turning the tables on the film students in some rather grisly ways. Sorry guys, but as with the Pearl video, nobody gets the link here. It's way too gruesome. To give passers through an idea, one of the highlights of the film is a scene that has become notoriously known as the "Girl on a stick" shot. Very graphic and very disturbing.

I used to watch endless hours of stuff like that when I was in my teens but I've gotten too sensitive of late. I still like a good horror movie but there are times when I actually feel like screaming and trying to find a way to make the image leave my mind. It depends on the movie and my emotional state at the time. Some of my favorites used to be movies like The Last House On the Left and I Spit On Your Grave (in both cases the guys got what was coming to them), but now I'd never want to watch either one again. Ditto Mother's Day and Snuff (actual title). "Snuff film" was an illegal method because the horrors that happened in the movie were happening for real, as they were being filmed - rapes, dismemberment, murder; all for entertainment. I've lost the tummy for most of it. I still like it, but it has to be less grisly and more psychological, or my state of mind has to be right for seeing it. It seems to trigger my depression and I have no idea why.

Tomorrow I'm taking John to see Mr Deeds. We both love Adam Sandler and this one is looking pretty interesting. Perhaps a bit predictable, but most movies are nowadays and I've found that with Sandler's movies I'm still entertained even though I am fairly sure what's going to happen. If anyone ever wonders what the former Bro-Zilla looks like, think Adam Sandler, only with a bit more muscle. Hey, I never said he was ugly - I said he was a mysogynist redneck flathead. And now I don't even say that. So I'll probably enjoy this film more than the last one. It used to make me a little sad to watch Sandler's movies because he reminded me of my brother but I'm sure that's in the past now.

John's birthday is on the twelfth but we're celebrating next weekend because my folks are going to be out of town the weekend of his birthday. We're taking him to Dave & Buster's, which is an absolute blast. We always have a good time there. I hope they still have the Jurassic Park game. It's in a booth with a huge screen and you have to shoot the raptors with your gun as they attack, sometimes fending them off to save others. Sometimes they come out of nowhere and scare the everloving shit out of me but I get even. It's as much fun as House Of the Dead, but with bigger targets. I'm really looking forward to it.

Oh my god, my baby's going to be fourteen. He's getting older. I don't remember authorizing that. I wanted him to get to about four years old and hold there indefinitely.

He's so much fun now though I'm not sure I'd send him back to age four if I could. He likes the same bands I liked (some of which I still like), at that age, the same movies, books, games. He's recently taken a liking to Cheech & Chong, whom I love. He's me in teenage boy form.

Sometimes it's really fun to remind him of that and watch him shudder. His whole body gets into it.

I can't help but laugh.

We didn't get anything done today. So much for taking advantage of Larry's extra time off. We just hung out here and played with the babies all day. That's okay. I had a better time doing that anyway. Zoekins really gets around well now. She inches across the floor commando-style, dragging those chubby little legs behind her. She can get into the crawling position but hasn't quite gotten the hang of carrying herself forward yet. She seems unsure of her limbs right now but she'll get better. Once she is able to balance a little better there will be no stopping her.

Trent takes off his diaper more and more often now. Sometimes I catch him before he makes a whizzy mess, sometimes not. When a baby starts doing that it's time to potty train and I wish I could, it would sure make things easier. The problem is, he's still refusing to speak (we know this because he speaks when it suits him), and if he won't tell us when he needs to go there isn't much we can do. He's so sweet though. He tries to help take care of his sister and wants to share his sippy-cup with her. If she's wiggling around on the floor he makes a very deliberate effort to avoid stepping on her and tonight they held hands. There's no way I could have gotten the camera out and flash-enabled in time to get a picture but it was a wonderful thing to see. In every other way, Trent is a very sweet little guy. He's fun, good-natured and is already showing a tendency toward nurturing that makes me all silly, it's so cute. But that whole remove the diaper and make a puddle thing is a tad bothersome.

Anyway, for a change everything's good. We're okay, the kids are all good and everyone is happy. I couldn't ask for much more than that.