My mom called me a little while ago to let me know she made it to Roanoke. She didn't have to go through the area of Virginina where the sniper has been, but still it made me feel better.

One thing about the conversation troubles me though. She asked me if John was going to be coming with us this time and I told her no, he and my brother had made plans to go on a haunted trail this weekend before either of them knew we wanted to go to Va. Patrick can't take him any other time because he works almost every day and his hours keep him out late.

It was the way my mom said, "Oh" that bothers me. The same way she, my dad and my other relatives say it if I don't make him go every time we make the trip. He doesn't go as often as I'd like, to be sure. But weekends are FF's time with him, and he gets really shitty if I try to take John anywhere on weekends. Since the only time most of us can get out there (unless there's a family emergency), is on weekends, I manage to get him out to visit about every other time. He went last time. And he will go next time.

Everyone expects him to be there every time even though they know the situation. FF looks for any and every reason to cause problems. Each and every time I have to approach him for anything (even via phone), I get physically sick to my stomach. In spite of that I do talk to him for lots of things and do get John for the occasional weekend. There's always some bullshit to follow, but I do it.

They know all of this.

So why is it that every time I have to tell one of them he won't be coming, even if he planned something previously, even if he's not feeling well, even if he (or I), have a really good reason why he isn't there, I get "the tone"?

I hate "the tone".

The Tone says, "I know all that, but he rarely sees these people and you're being a bad person and a bad mother by not having him here, regardless of why."

The more I explain his absence the smaller I feel.

It started with my mom. It will happen over and over with the other relatives all weekend long.

Periods of I sure am happy to see you, Larry and the babies, interrupted frequently by uncomfortable moments of why didn't you do more to see that John came to visit?

It seems unfair to me to force him to break plans he made before he knew we were going and not do something he is really looking forward to.

If I make him go and he's sad and grouchy all weekend he'll be miserable. If I don't make him go I feel like I'm disappointing the rest of my family and being an overly permissive, bad mother and generally insensitive and rotten person.

It sucks either way.