It amazes me to think that even though there have been several experts on the subject of etiquette, a very important place that we use almost every day for one shopping trip or another has gone widely unrecognized.

The parking lot.

Even Emily Post has been strangely and uncharacteristically silent when it comes to this particular fixture in our daily lives. To me this is a considerable injustice. It is after all, another place in which we have the opportunity to show consideration and kindness to our fellow beings, no?

With that in mind, I proudly (and with great irritation at the thoughtlessness of some of the aforementioned fellow beings), do present:

Parking Lot Etiquette

* If you see a woman struggling to get a stroller or other method of infant conveyance out of the trunk of her car, it is impolite to pull into the parking space behind her with great speed and park so close that she bumps the front of your car as she pulls the conveyance from her own trunk.

* It is also impolite to honk at her in an effort to get her to hurry so that you can park. Wait like everyone else.

* If you are under the age of 100 and have no physical handicaps and you park in a space reserved for handicapped people, you fucking suck and you deserve the ticket.

* If you are not expecting a baby or are not the mother of small children and you park in the space reserved for a mommy-to-be (said spaces are easy to recognize, as they're the only spaces in the lot with a stork on the reserve sign), you fucking suck and it is my sincerest hope that you get a ticket.

* If you honk at a woman with a carriage, stroller or hand infant carrier, or a woman in the crosswalk who has her arms full of baby in an effort to speed her up, a big time fuck you goes out to you. I'll let the laws of karma deal with you, you insensitive asshole.

* If you honk at an elderly person who is making her/his way across the street in an attempt to speed him/her up, see above.

* If you see a woman putting her child(ren) in a stroller and you pull into the empty space next to her as she's doing so because you're too impatient to give her an extra few seconds to get her child(ren) out of harm's way I hope she fucking maces your sorry ass.

* If you do that at top speed, I hope she flags down a cop and has her/him give you an agonizingly long lecture on the laws pertaining to child endangerment.

* If you have to use the handy alarm feature to help you locate your vehicle (don't laugh - everyone gets parking lot alzheimers at least once in their lifetime), please turn off the alarm as soon as you spot said vehicle. Do not wait until you have walked over to it before turning it off.

Granted, my shopping trips have been cut down upon by the fact that my children are so small, but I'd like to go out without seeing these things happen so often. They piss me off, even when I'm not involved.

I'm tempted to start carrying a brick to beat unconsiderate fuckheads with when they act like their moms never taught them how to behave.

And I'll use it. I swear.