10:58 p.m.

[ The Pearl Video ]

I was so disgusted with myself for not watching the video that was posted at that goddess-forsaken website last night. People need to see first hand what will become of us if we give in to terrorists and I've been thinking about it all day. I felt like such a coward, so weak. I tried to watch it three times today and kept turning it off. I should have continued doing that. There was a temptation to believe that the footage was a fake and that it was just some bullshit terrorist propaganda, manufactured to frighten us. It worked.

I'm now very afraid.

I tried again a few minutes ago and got farther than I did before. Not a good thing. The other times I was satisfying myself that this was indeed the true footage. I guess I still want to believe that this man, who was innocent in his motives for approaching these people and harmed no one, would eventually reappear as if by magick. He would return to his wife after being held by the Al Qaeda for a few months, meet his new son and everyone would walk away happy and safe. The fact that remains were found two weeks ago that were most likely his didn't cast even the slightest shadow on that illogical, baseless hope. I say illogical because in reality, in my soul, where it counts, I know he's dead. But there's still a part of me that desperately wanted a nice hollywood ending that would see him resurface months after the world had given up on him. I wanted the fairy tale because I desperately still want to believe that good people are untouchable and there is some inherent kindness in everyone, even a person who would abduct an innocent person and use his image to spread a message of hate. When I set up the memorial I secretly hoped that one day I'd be removing his picture.

I still didn't see the whole thing. Again, my cowardice won out. I saw enough though. There is no hope for a nice clean everybody goes home happy ending. He was talking, obviously speaking from a script while horrific pictures of people being killed, tortured or mourning the loss of a loved one flashed around him. At times Pearl's face disappeared and the screen weas filled with those images, yet his voice could still be heard. Then the screen went quiet for a second and the images flipped from Pearl's face to the images that had been shown as he was speaking, then back to him, lying on the floor face down while someone cut him. The attacker wasn't just slashing Pearl's throat, he was sawing his head off. That's when I stopped watching.

I can't believe the things people do to one another. The site that this video is on is loaded with images and footage like that. The entire site is dedicated to the horrors that humanity inflicts upon itself. Murder victims, dead babies, mutilations. There are categories with menus of pictures and video to choose from. More horrors than any one person should be exposed to in one lifetime.

Well, I'm informed now. He's gone and there isn't going to be any miraculous return. His story really got to me because not only was he an innocent, he was by all accounts a genuine, kind person who was loved by his family, friends and the people he worked with. Not a person who deserved to have his life taken, not at all and not like that. The most disturbing thing to me is that he died without seeing his baby and his son will never know him. Even with a family filled with loving people who want to be in his life, the child will always feel the absence of his father. Family and children are my whole life so I can't help but feel empathy for this child and his family. How hard is this going to be for Mariane Pearl, who will have to raise their son by herself and eventually explain why the other children he sees every day have daddies but he doesn't? How do you tell a child something like that?

I guess the main reason behind posting this video is to arouse anger in us, make us more determined that this never happen here, close to home. Not to our children, not to their fathers, not here period. It succeeded. I'm angry and disgusted and I ache for that family. There is a message board at the site for each item posted. If the motivation for putting it there was what I'm thinking, then mission accomplished. In a big way. Unfortunately, the type of people who posted responses were the type of people I'd never want acting in my defense. One man wrote that he was disappointed that the footage wasn't more bloody (excuse me?). Mostly there was a lot of name calling and stupidity floating about. Perhaps their only real motive was to shock and disgust, considering they asserted their first ammendment rights and kept the video on site, even after the FBI appealed to them to remove it. If that was it, the simple act of giving someone nightmares, then once again mission accomplished.

Someone at one of my communities said recently that the world just sucks.

I disagree. This is a beautiful world. It's full of quiet beauty and natural magick.

It's difficult to see that sometimes because most of the people who live in it suck.

I was feeling ashamed of myself because I thought that to not see the video was a cowardly move.

Now I feel ashamed because I did see it, and boosted the number of hits to the site. That's only going to encourage the people who created it to continue.

Mostly I just feel drained right now and I'm afraid to go to sleep. I'll probably be up for awhile.

~

Thank you, Jana, for alerting me to the fact that once again, I had gotten so wrapped up in what I was trying to say a few entries back that I typed out full names (in place of the letters I've been using). You're a great friend and I do appreciate it. It's so difficult to be conscious of that every time I write something, especially if one of my children has had a milestone or done something really wonderful. Therefore I'll allow myself to use their first names. Since no one knows my last name and I won't be posting any photos (except mine), there's really no harm. Having that called to my attention really helped me put it into perspective. I'll update the cast list too while I'm at it. That should keep me up awhile longer.

~

I just can't try to go to bed right now.

I felt worse after seeing it than I did when I was afraid to see it.