11:38 p.m.

[ You must like things that suck. ]

I think my lack of sleep plus my profound dislike of myself have led me into yet another dreary period. Of course, the way my moods swing, in twenty minutes I'll probably want to dance naked on the roof.

It so weird though. I hate feeling old. I mean, I'm aware that a woman over thirty is considered to be in female middle age and is less desirable because men think she's approaching old. I don't like that but I understand it. It felt as if I had my whole life ahead of me before and could do whatever I wanted, and now I feel like whatever good may have come from my existence went unused and it's too late to change anything. I wasted the freedom and the little bit of talent I had by not doing anything constructive with it and the opportunities I might have had if I had gone to school or into the military like I wanted to when I was 13 have been mostly pissed away.

So here I am, busy but mostly empty.

There's no time left for anything else and I'm feeling very empty, wasted and lonely right now.

I'm going shopping tomorrow and for the first time in a long time I really don't feel like going anywhere. I hate being in the house for long periods of time, yet here is the opportunity, the downright need to shop for my son's birthday gifts and what I really want to do is stay in bed and let life go by without me like it always does. I hate feeling like this.

Maybe it will be better in the morning.

Old Hippie quoted lyrics from an old Gilbert O'Sullivan song in an entry today. That amazed me. Until then I thought the only people around who still remembered Gilbert O'Sullivan were Sophia Coppola and me. It was nice to see that though. I loved his music and that song has been replaying in my head ever since.

I didn't get to moving the memorial pages yet. It needs to be done so I can add more things. There just isn't enough room in this format for all of the things I want to do with it. Just like everything else it gets put off.

You're still here? Why did you bother to read down this far? I would have stopped ages ago. You must like things that suck.