12:43 p.m.

[ It's official: I'm a wacko ]

I am having some severe ups and downs. I mean, my moods are shifting so severely and so rapidly it's starting to make me question my sanity, which I've never felt was all that solid to begin with.

Part of it is not being happy or comfortable in my skin.

Part of it is me starting to feel as I am a tremendous disappointment to my family and myself.

Part of it is feeling as if I let too much of my life go by without doing anything but getting married and having children and that it's too late for me to try to do anything else, especially since I have no one to help watch the kids while I persue something else.

Part of it is something really, really odd. I had a dream the other night and last night too (slightly different dreams, but about the same person and basic underlying theme), about someone who isn't my husband and whose name I will not mention here. At first I wasn't sure who it was but then I saw him in the second dream and now I know for sure. It makes no sense to me. This person is a friend and not at all someone I'm attracted to. It also makes me feel as if there's something seriously wrong with me and it backs up the statement I made in my celtic-lullaby journal. I am indeed a low bitch.

I'm also upping my fucking meds. They make it harder for me to enjoy sex (and why worry about that when it rarely ever happens any more because we rarely ever get any time alone?), and make me a bit numb sometimes, but my moods are more even and the chemicals they produce make it easier for me to focus. I think maybe it's time I spoke to my doctor about this too. This teeter-totter nonsense has long since gotten old.

The most screwed up thing about this is that in twenty minutes I'll probably be fine and feel completely stupid for writing this, as if I blew the whole situation totally out of proportion.