Until today I haven't watched A Baby Story for almost 18 months. Since I had Zoe. There's probably a good reason for that. It gets my insides all confused.

I discovered the show when I was pregnant with Trent and watched it religiously through both of my last two pregnancies. By religiously, I mean it seriously became part of my daily routine. Due to the diabetes everything had to be done according to a schedule, so until I went on bedrest my whole day revolved around three things; meals, testing/injecting and exercise. It looked a lot like this:

Test my blood sugar.

Inject insulin.

Wait thirty minutes.

Eat.

Wait an hour.

Exercise.

Test again.

That was my day. Of course it was worth it because all of that effort resulted in two healthy babies.

A Baby Story became part of that routine because it filled my exercise time perfectly and it was so encouraging to see other couples, some of whom had difficulties (handicapped, cancer, ect.), have healthy babies. I cried during every episode and was really disappointed on weekends, when the show wasn't on. It gave me a sense of security I guess, and plus to see those new babies that were wanted and welcome surrounded by the love of their families is a beautiful and miraculous thing. It made me look even more forward to the birthing process and I was pretty excited already.

Knowing what it inspires in me I should have known better than to watch it today. Today was the beginning of twins week and all of the times I was pregnant I wanted nothing more than a set of twins. I prayed for twins.

Now I'm feeling it all over again; the I want to have another baby feeling that starts a rather annoying chain of inner conflict.

It's an argument between nature and logical thinking.

Nature says: Look at all of those beautiful babies. Wouldn't it be nice to have another one?

Logical thinking: Yes, but since dear husband has had a procedure done to prevent that it's not bloody likely.

Nature: But I want one. Two actually. Twins. They're so cute and sweet and smell so nice and they make sweet little noises and they love you.

Logic: And eventually grow into teenagers. Besides, you can barely keep up with the two little ones you have. You're always exhausted, you hardly ever leave the house and you don't feel appreciated most of the time. Do you honestly believe that this is going to change for the better by adding one or two more babies to the equation?

Nature: But I love them!

Logic: Yes. I know you do. But they need a lot of care and you already feel the need for an assistant. Imagine the difficulty factor of having two more people around who depend on you full time for every need they possess?

Nature: But...!

Logic: Think of how difficult those last two pregnancies were. Do you want to repeat those experiences? And you got lucky that neither of the babies had a defect or was stillborn. Neither of them have asthma and they're both very bright. Do you think you can be that lucky every time? John was okay because you had him when you were 19. 19. Think about that. You're going to be 34 in a few weeks. You make no sense. Besides, Larry has removed the option of having more children anyway so it's kind of redundant to even think about it.

Nature: But it can be reversed. The doctor did the procedure so that he could have it reversed if he wanted to. And wouldn't it be better to have another one now, while I still can?

Logic: Just because you can doesn't mean you should. Lots of people who shouldn't get pregnant have babies. Then what happens? And Larry is in no hurry to have that procedure reversed. The last two children are sharing a room. Any more will have to be stacked up in a corner like lego blocks. You've given away most of your old baby stuff and pregnancy is now a biologically dangerous situation for you. You did the right thing by deciding to not have any more babies. Stick by that decision.

Logic wins, but it makes me very sad. Larry and I wanted a large family. Maybe five or six children. I feel that I have disappointed him by limiting that to two. My body doesn't want more babies, it's been through quite a rough ordeal with each of the last two, but there is still something inside of me that longs to have more.

I am having some killer PMS right now but that isn't stopping my ovaries from getting all excited by the idea of getting pregnant again.

Nature can be a very treacherous thing.