From my other journal: originally dated July 9, 2002

Two days off of the Elavil and I am really starting to feel better. The last time it started out like that and then my moods dropped so quickly and severely that I wanted to die. That can not happen again. Since the meds are messing with me this badly I think it's time I made myself independent of them. The main reason I liked the Elavil was because it regulated my moods without making me crazy and I could taper the dosage down when I was ready to withdraw from them. Not so this time. When I see my wonderful, sensitive goddess of a doctor on Thursday (that's not sarcasm - she really and truly is), I think she and I need to discuss what to do to help me though the withdrawal process.

Things aren't going well in my communities. One refuses to show me as being logged in and restricts my movements around the boards as if I were a visitor and one just deleted an entire post I made in answer to another member's question about poppets because it was too descriptive and was considered a spell. We aren't allowed to post spells there. I must have provided too much detail. My bad. I've been mostly in and out of all but my gothic community, which I get to visit every day because the messages are emailed to me as they're posted on the boards. I love that! It's great because I don't miss much.

One of the other members of that site just announced that she is pregnant. My feelings about this are mixed. She's a wonderful girl and will no doubt make an excellent mommy, and she has the support and love of her family and friends, which as most young single mothers will attest, is rare. So many of them end up being outcasts from their own families and the pregnancy is treated as if it were a death sentence instead of the beautiful, miraculous thing it is. I congratulated her and offered her support and to answer questions as they come up, since I've been through it three times myself. In a way I'm happy for her. She's happy and her family isn't falling apart over it so it should be a loving, pleasant experience for her. On the other hand, I'm concerned for her because of her age. She'll be fourteen years old in October. A pregnancy might be a bit hard on her body.

But then, it's hard on every woman's body so why should it be more so on hers? If she was old enough to get pregnant then obviously her body was ready.

Wow... a little gothling on the way. What could be more fantastic than that, even if she is so young?

I'm actually very excited and happy for her in spite of my concerns about her age. But as I said before, she's a sweet girl and will be a great mom and besides, with all of the support she has it will go so much better for her. I wish every young girl who inadvertantly ended up pregnant had that same love and support.

I wish I had it when I was expecting Trent. My father was still not speaking to me because I married Larry, and Patrick was openly hostile toward us. I wish they had gotten over their misconceptions about me and Larry sooner. The timing looked bad because we got together so soon after our marriages dissolved, starting out as friends and then growing closer from there. Without that bond neither of us would have come out of those relationships as well as we did. His ex wife was a controlling, loudmouth bitch, which made her the perfect female counterpart to my ex. We joked about setting the two of them up for a blind date at one point, hoping they'd kill and eat each other and save Larry and I a lot of grief.

So of course I really didn't need that bullshit from my family.

As much as I try to put it behind me I just can't. The things they did were so vicious, hateful and mean-spirited. It stays in my mind and keeps my lack of trust for my father and brother from ever completely going away. I really want it to be gone now that things between all of us are better. I honestly do. It's going to take some time though. They didn't make me this guarded overnight, it won't go away overnight.

But it's better and I'm grateful.

I just wish I could trust them more and feel more relaxed around them.