From my other journal, dated August 5, 2002

Unfortunately, we went without Larry. The film, The Road to Perdition, was wonderful. Brilliant script, brilliant acting, just perfect. Tension was well established early on, and nearly everything that happened seemed was linked to something else. I've read a lot of true crime books and I love mafia history, so my interest was piqued when Michael Sullivan (Tom Hanks), went to see Frank Nitti (Stanley Tucci). That's pretty major. I'll spare the spoilers for anyone who may be passing through that wants to see the movie.
Go see it.
You won't be disappointed.
I wish Larry had gone. He said he wanted to and we planned our whole weekend around it. John and I have gone out three times by ourselves recently and it's been a blast because he's fun, bright and wonderful company. But all of us are supposed to be a family and I was more than a little disappointed that Larry didn't go. He said he was all headachy and besides that, wanted to spend the afternoon with the babies. Well that's great. How about telling me that sooner so I can save my mother a trip to the house? His argument is that he works all week and just wants to have some time to hang out with the kids.
Okay, I can dig that, he's just being a good dad and I do love him for it.
However, as I explained to him, he and I never fucking go out by ourselves. Today we wouldn't have been by ourselves but at least we would have been doing something together. He brought up yesterday. What about it? I woke up late and went out to do the shopping, which had me away from home for the first half of the day. After I got home he showered and went to get some stuff from Home Depot and then spent the rest of the day down here on the computer, which is getting to be a habit of his. Then today he spent the first half of the day down here and after I came home from the movie he came back down for awhile then came up and watched TV for a little while and went to bed.
And to think he has been known to give me some serious shit about the time I spend online. At least I do most of my stuff after everyone goes to bed so that my time with my family isn't compromised.
My mom and dad aren't exactly getting together on the babysitting thing either. Dad says to call anytime we need a sitter. Mom says she'll babysit if they aren't working on the house, which they are getting ready to sell. They're on a schedule, I understand that. So does Larry. Yet he decides after the arrangements have all been made that he doesn't want to go.
I was extremely upset but kept it in check as much as possible because I didn't want to ruin my time out with John. I did tell Larry how I felt about him not going when we have practically no time together, though.
His response?
To ask my mother to watch the kids next weekend so that he and I can have a date. The last one we had was in April. That's right - April. He seems to forget that we have already been told once, then reminded that my parents are both extremely busy right now and can't babysit most of the time. Yet he blows off the time we do have child care. Then asks my mom to watch the kids AGAIN.
She agreed. I'm not getting my hopes up.
He is a great dad and enjoys spending time with the kids, so I probably have no right to be upset but I am. I'm feeling a tad neglected here. He only asked my mom to watch the kids again because I reminded him that we haven't had any time together without them recently and he feels a bit guilty (I guess).
He's either at work, downstairs or otherwise unavailable.
Herein lies the struggle. He's away Monday through Friday and misses everyone (except me I suppose, since he won't do anything with me), then on the weekends he wants to be with the babies. I'm at home all week so when the weekend gets here I'm ready to do something, anything, to get out.
For a long time I didn't take the babies out anyhwere by myself because I was afraid I couldn't handle them both and run my errands without help. Recently I've learned that this is not so. Not only did we go, we did pretty well. So now I feel I can go out with them and be okay, which I want to start doing once or twice a week. Getting out will be good for them too, I'm sure. Nobody likes being isolated indoors all of the time. I'll have to start slowly because I'm still not comfortable being out with them both by myself yet, especially with Trent being so busy and the double stroller being so awkward.
Gotta do something though. I'm starting to have little periods of anxiety and I know myself well enough to know it will escalate if I don't change something.
I'm so angry at myself for saying anything to Larry about the fact that we don't spend much time together. Now I feel as if he's only going to take me out to placate me and he doesn't really want to go out himself. In order for me to enjoy it we both have to want it. I'm just weird like that.
I've gotten used to the traditional family roles we now have. I've gotten used to our schedules being a bit odd. I've gotten used to things being put off or not getting done at all because we are so busy with the kids. I've gotten used to the limited sexual contact we now have, and all of the planning, juggling of other things and scheduling (and sometimes rescheduling), that goes into our infrequent occasions of intimacy. I can not, however, get used to this. He promised me things would be different, that we would still have regular time together and make time for ourselves after we had the babies.
Ahem...?
Ahem again...?
It could be that he's not interested in spending time with me, that he's already managed to get tired of me. I wish he'd just fucking say it instead of making and breaking plans or spending most of his free time isolated from his family. I'm already completely fucking tired of it.
I'm fucking tired in general.
I'm going to bed.