From my other journal, dated August 7, 2002

I wish I had someone to talk to right now. It's quiet in the house with both kids down for their naps. I thought Trent had removed his dy-dee again a few minutes ago but he hadn't.

We are scheduled to take him in for his evaluation with the child psychiatrist this weekend and I'm not looking forward to it. He's showing more of the behaviors that he didn't when we were at the health dept. which is very frustrating, because if they had seen him doing these things they might not have told us he's probably autistic. That is a conclusion they came to way too soon in my humble and completely biased opinion.

He puts two words together.

He makes eye contact.

He does what he's asked (when he wants to).

He points to things (as of yesterday).

He can't be autistic, he can't be PDD.

He just can't be. He does too many of the things he's supposed to be doing and none of the things that autistic kids do.

So why am I so anxious about his next appointment?

Because what we're dealing with here isn't a person who is employed by the health dept. or a social worker. This doctor is the real deal. Thankfully, he's one who will probably come to a conclusion after a bit more exposure to my son than his previous examiners, but that brings it's own special worries.

Firstly, that he may not be able to tell us anything on Saturday and will need to see him again. While that's a good thing, it's also quite painful because we've been jerked around quite a bit since last December about all of this.

Secondly, he might confirm what we were already told and I'm not sure I have the strength to deal with that. I'll have to deal with it of course, but I don't know if I can without going insane from worry and grief. Grief because if this is true he may not be able to have the quality of life every parent wants for their children. It's not enough to be simply living, a person needs to be alive, if that makes any sense.

How will he learn, how will he take care of himself, where will he work?

I'm trying really hard not to think about it right now. I've been hearing good things about this and Larry's psychiatrist was very encouraging, and I figure he knows what he's talking about.

The wait for answers is really working on me though.