From my other journal, dated July 12, 2002

It rocked and I was really happy because my doctor had a rush of patients to tend to and was running an hour late. That means I actually got some time to read the book I've been working on since last November. No, really. The only time I get to read is when I take John to an appointment or I go to one myself. It's taking awhile but it's a really great book (Hearts In Atlantis by Stephen King). I have an entire library loaded with books I've never had time to read. I just keep buying them. I figure the time to read will eventually come.

Anyway, I'm now completely off of the meds because my doctor agress that I'm probably better off without them. It's a trial run of course, but there always has to be one. She want to see me in three months to make sure I'm not getting depressed again.

I think that sometimes she and Elly (my therapist, whom I haven't seen since Trent was about six months old), were under the impression that I might hurt someone. I used to fantasize about killing or maiming my ex so often, I guess I don't blame them. I don't work that way though. If I were going to do something drastic I would internalize it completely. I'm one of those people who'd be more likely to harm myself. I don't self mutilate or stick pins into my skin. If I were going to do something it would be swift and final. I'd cut my wrists up and down or take an entire package of Sominex and fill the bathtub with warm water up to the top. I was making lye soap a few summers ago and started thinking about drinking the caustic soda solution (lye and water), I had just mixed up. That would be physically impossible though, because it produces too much heat. A person who tried that would end up just getting sick. The solution creates it's own heat (hence the term "caustic"), and would cause severe burns before enough could be ingested to cause death.

I wanted so much to die a few years ago just so I could get away from my ex. But even then I couldn't do it. I had one child to raise then, now I have three. I could never purposefully leave them. How did I get started thinking about this shit, anyway?

I'm tired and have been up way later then I wanted to. When that happens any freaking thing is likely to come into my head.

I'm going to sleep now.

G'night.