I am not feeling particularly ill, just very, very sad. My friends all seem to be leaving DiaryLand. It's not about keeping tabs on their journal it's just that I don't take to people very easily due to my trust issues and so the friendships I make are few and (I thought), close. I even count internet friendships. They're still friendships, after all.

I think I'm just in the mood to be sad anyway because I was up for all of about ninety minutes last night. Zoe didn't go to sleep until after 3:30 and woke up again at 5am. I'm fucking punch drunk and have so much to do today.

Sometimes I want to cry, scream, lose my mind with frustration. The one thing I want more than anything these days seems to be sleep, and since I rarely get it, and never get it for an entire night, it's easy to become resentful of Larry because he does. I'm trying so hard not to. I remind myself that he has to go out and work every day and that he has a 90 minute commute each way. But then he comes home and gets to go to bed at 8:00 or 9:00 and I'm kind of left to fend for myself with Zoe until I can get her to sleep (and she doesn't stay that way).

On weekends he pretty much does as he likes. Last weekend he went out to the shooting range twice and left me here by myself with two kids on Saturday and all three on Sunday. Granted, John is low maintenance, but it's the principle. I feel rather neglected and underappreciated most of the time any more.

That Larry doesn't agree with me when I try to explain that we have a problem with our system frustrates me to no end. He comes and goes as he pleases, with no time or child care constraints. The same does not happen for me, and when I try to talk to him about it he disagrees with me. The truth is that this particular aspect of our marriage is completely one-sided. I can't just toss on some clothes and say, "I'm going out for a few hours, you watch the kids." For me to get out it takes planning, careful arranging of our schedules and I still end up taking at least one child with me. Larry has spoken to me before about me going out to do things by myself but it never happens unless I'm running errands, and even that gets thrown up at me later.

Well you got out for awhile yesterday, didn't you?

Yeah, but it's not as if I was hanging out at Border's or going to see a movie. I was at the grocery store for an hour and at Sam's for an hour. Boo-ya.

I admit it, I'm completely resentful of his ability to just take off on a moment's notice and do his thing, whatever that thing may be. He doesn't even bother to ask anymore if I mind, he just up and does what he wants.

I'm all for him getting out and doing what makes him happy but I need to do that too. I need some alone time besides the time I get alone at night on the computer.

I need some out time.

I feel like I'm dying inwardly.