I can't believe this shit. It counters every emotion I have felt toward this time of year for the last...what...fifteen years? It's something so alien, so totally wrong it defies description and leaves me confused and a little afraid.

I'm actually starting to enjoy this xmas bullshit. At least this one xmas, anyway.

I think it may have something to do with #1 son, who not only accompanied me on my shopping trips yesterday, but gave thoughtful suggestions, took half of the grocery list himself (and got it right), helped me load the car, then helped me unload it and helped me wrap the stuff I bought for Larry's family last night.

The most important thing I can add to all of this:

He offered to do all of that.

My mood was so good last night I ended up picking up the stuff to make our first batch of xmas fudge with. Who the hell would have seen that coming? Not little moi, that's for sure. Tomorrow I'm not only going to be making oatmeal raisin cookies, when John gets home from visiting FuckFace we're going to make gingerbread men with this awesome little kit he suggested we buy last night. Here's the thing that's really kicking my ass right now - I'm looking forward to it!!

Dig this - he's going to help we wrap gifts again tonight. He says he wants to. My wonderfully wonderful son is giving me the first real help I've had since the holiday season began. We watched Lethal Weapon, wrapped gifts and talked about religion last night and had a blast.

I was inspired. We're not having a tree this year because of the almost gut-sure certainty that either the toddler or toddler-in-training will knock it over the second I leave the room to pee, but this year, for the first time in ages, we're having stockings. I'm going to buy some today while John is in therapy. I'm also going to buy glitter glue so we can write our names on them.

Boy howdy.

In spite of the increased meds dosage I've been riding the mood escalator pretty hard since Saturday morning. Up down, up down. The up has held pretty steady since last night and I'm hoping it holds, otherwise we'll have a whole lot of things going undone this xmas. I'm very grateful to Goddess for allowing me to be John's mom. I'm always happy to have him around anyway, but he has no idea how much his help means to me and if I tell him I'll start to cry and embarrass the hell out of him (weird how that works, isn't it?). I just keep thanking him profusely like a broken record.

He even watched the babies for a little while today so I could go to the post office (so crowded!).

Yes indeed, I love that son of mine.