Strange things are afoot here in Chez Diaryland, kiddies. Things that involve missing banners above the 'add an entry' table and an inability to make a public journal...well, public.

Veeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrry scarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry kids.

I have been into my new Songs For Dustmites cd so much I play it every day. Along with the new Michelle Branch cd, Hotel Paper, it has truly become the soundtrack of my life. Steven Burns has outdone himself. I knew he was talented because I'm as into Blue's Clues as my children (a little too into it...have fantasies about seeing Mr. Steve super-naked, as opposed to just semi-naked), but the new cd exceeded even my expectations, which were rather high. His vocals are amazing, so dreamy and lush against a backdrop of beautiful instrumentals. Yes indeed, I am so loving this thing. I looked forward to it from the time he said he was leaving Blue's Clues to work on his music and I am not at all disappointed. Mr. Steve is, to put it quite simply, a god.

My eldest baby will be leaving at 6:35 tomorrow morning for his first day of tenth grade. I wonder if he'll resent it if I insist on walking him to the bus, wailing all the while about how my baby is growing up and how proud I am of him?

Well, perhaps I shouldn't.

Jesus. I have to get up at the butt crack of dawn tomorrow in the hope of getting some things done before the babies wake up.

I laugh to think I'm that optimistic.

I've had a couple of major depressive days here recently. Nothing catastrophic, but the low was so bad I spent half the day wanting to cry and the other half in a spooky haze of not giving a shit about anything. I'd have to check my calendar to be sure, but I think I've been off the meds for about a month now and it doesn't feel too bad. I know my problem is a chemical imbalance, but I guess I'm really hoping against hope that I have managed to conquer it somehow. I hate having to take the meds but I hate being suicidal much more, so if I need to do something I will. I just don't want to have to. What's a little intimidating to me right now is wondering what I'll take if I have to start using them again. I thought the Elavil was helping me for so long, when it was really just making the mood swings so much worse. The highs are amazing; the kind of feeling that makes you want to call your local Jack In The Box and thank them for all of the great food. The lows are so low though. So very hard to get through. The in between period that doesn't allow me to feel anything is worse still. Even being morbidly depressed is preferable to feeling like I've gone on to a better place and my body hasn't been made aware of it yet.

Larry is still after me to Try Effexor. Add nausea to the ever-growing list of nasty side-effects and that's just one more good reason to leave that stuff alone. I wish he'd talk to his doctor about taking something else. He won't because he says it helps his depression, and it does, but it also makes him tired, nauseous and sometimes impatient (with me, not the kids), and gives him acid reflux so severe he has to be on a prescription for it all of the time. That's pretty evil for something that's supposed to be helping you.

Um, thanks, but...no.

I'm so tired. I have to get some rest.

More later.

G'night