11:06 p.m.

[ Meds Withdrawal ]

* Note: My graphics are missing because my bandwidth has been exceeded. The graphics will be visible later on today (hopefully). *

I think I'm spiraling again. I've only been off of the meds for two weeks and already I'm having my severe highs and lows. I spoke with L (thanks Jana - the new designs look fantastic, btw...I envy the talent, let me tell you), about what I've been seeing as a trend with us and he did his best to reassure me that he has no interest in anyone else, nor leaving. I couldn't help being concerned, though. He and wife #2 stopped sleeping in the same bed four years before they divorced. They even checked out a house with two bedrooms when they were looking to move so that they could each have one. When I asked him why bother at that point, when it's so obvious that the whole relationship has gone straight to hell, he told me they both had sort of resigned themselves to the kind of life they were living, as if no one else would have either of them and they were determined to make the most of it. Then he discovered he wanted a family and that she was making him absolutely miserable and started the divorce process.

This is what I was concerned was happening with us. That he was somehow growing tired of me or I just wasn't interesting to him any more and he was starting to distance himself from me.

Then in Virginia I was delighted to no end to see my grandmother, but felt sorry for her. Simultaneously I was dreading the next time my cousin would call yet considered going to see her in slam. My aunt was on a similar see-saw last weekend, joyful one minute, pissed off and resentful the next. Her mood literally changed in the time it took me to type this sentence. Less than that, really. My mom used to be like that too. And now I'm doing it again.

We really are a screwed-up bunch of hopeless psychobitches and some of us only get better on the meds. I don't want the meds any more.

I want to be able to function like a normal person, someone who has gotten past all of the baggage and bullshit and has her PTSD completely in check and her seratonin issues worked out. Unfortunately, if my swings don't improve soon I'll have to be weak and go back on the meds. To me that's inexcusable because I always see it as taking a step backwards. One of those signs of weakness that the men in my family pounce upon and tear into you over with great abandon. The emotional bloodlust in this family is frightening in it's intensity.

Oh, god. Not the shark analogy again.

I won't say it.

If I make the comparison now I won't sleep tonight without having another shark nightmare and I'd really rather pass, thanks ever so. It may already be too late to stop it.

That's why I'm so terrified of those fucking things to begin with.

I was looking once again into taking some courses at home in web design. L thinks this is a bad idea because even though we can afford the classes right now, he says he's concerned that I won't be getting a quality education from a correspondence course. I on the other hand think that:

a) He's wrong.

b) Even if he's not, I don't have a lot of options open to me right now, and I'd like to get my training while I'm still young enough to benefit from it.

L gets home between 6:30 and 7 pm (sometimes later). Right around the time most community colleges are starting their classes. That leaves me with no time to get to class. So what does he expect me to do with no babysitter? Also, evening classes don't have the benefit of allowing me to move at my own pace the way I could with another program. I can't study or do my homework during the day. The only time I have to myself is when I get on here at night. Colleges have deadlines I can not keep up with. Then there's also the fact that I'll be homeschooling, so that adds to the difficulty level. How the hell am I supposed to do my homework when I'm hanging over two kids constantly to make sure they do theirs?

There's no way I could handle the schedule and the stress.

So if I can't do it online or via mail I can't do it. I have other things that need to be taken care of first.

But I want to get into web design so much...

My highs and lows are making me tense enough that I've taken a break from all but one of my communities for awhile. I've noticed that my mood is showing in my posts and I'm not going to let the inner bitch out on people that have been really nice and don't deserve it.

Speaking of nice people, I'm currently chatting with BigJon, which is infintely more pleasant than sitting here brooding and bitching. If my cousin were nicer, I might hook the two of them up.

But I think he's actually too cool of a guy to be attached to an alcoholic, abusive, mentally ill crack dealer.

I'm just nutty like that.