I started back on the (yum-yum), Elavil last night. I'm glad I did too, because in one hour this morning my mood swung about eight times.

Happy.

Sad.

Happy.

Sad.

Happy.

Morbidly depressed wanna die.

Happy.

Now I'm tired.

Damn.

Enough of that. In the next few days I should be seeing some improvement and having a bit better control. I shouldn't have stopped taking them. I weaned off like I'm supposed to but I think my problem may be chemical. When depression hangs on for awhile the brain becomes unable to manufacture enough seratonin to regulate moods. That must be the problem with me, because I do well for awhile then I eventually end up going back on. This time it just happened sooner than usual.

A quick phone call to both Hood College and Frederick Community College yielded huge disappointments. The classes they offer are for advanced studies and since I have no college background in computer science, I don't even qualify to take the classes. Also, one of them runs from 6:30-10 pm and the other from 6:15-8:50. When would I have time to study or complete my homework? Doing some closer looking into the correspondence possibility, I see that I wouldn't actually be learning anything I don't already know because the course is so basic. I've become pretty savvy with HTML, I just lack the technical knowledge to make a living working with it. Now I know that in order to get that I have to become a full-time student and then I could take the evening classes and complete my training. How long will all of this take? 2-3 years.

So I'm not in the best of spirits today.

Mainly because I'm kicking myself for not going to college when I had the chance. Now all I have in terms of higher education are the writing courses I completed eight years ago.

If I ever have to support my kids on what I could make with the education I have we'd all be up shit creek sans paddle. I could barely make ends meet when it was just J and I. Not that this is my only concern. I mean it's important to be prepared in case hubby can't support us any more for some reason, but I also want to feel as if I'm contributing to our home and family now. I want to be an asset, do something important.

I wish I had gone to school. My parents were so deeply in debt they never could have paid for it but I should have found a way and gotten good grades so I could send myself.

Why is it we only have the ability to see our mistakes in the past tense? At what point does the defense mechanism kick in the allows us to have the foresight necessary to keep us from fucking up our lives in the first place?

If such a thing existed, would I even have it?

And if I had it, would I follow it?

I don't think it's the same as intuition, that's more instinctual. It goes much deeper. Intuition is the sense that says, "Don't marry him-he's bad for you!!"

What I'm talking about is the sense that some people have to be analytical to the point of having a full list of pros and cons for every action, five years before they have to make the decision.

Maybe that's not a sense, per se.

Maybe it's just being anal.

Whatever it is, I'd be happy to have it if it would have sent me to college years ago.

Or maybe not.

I didn't know what I wanted to do then.

Man, I hope this fucking Elavil kicks in soon.