I tried so hard to put this into perspective, really I did. I even wrote an entry I could refer back to, but it's happened anyway.

The usual sense of complete panic that comes around the holidays is creeping in and I am so nervous.

I realized it was getting started this morning as I was reading Morgaineldy's journal and she was talking about the holidays and what christmas is like with her family.

This isn't her fault at all, it's just that I have triggers and there's no avoiding them.

My chest is tight, I want to cry and I feel such panic I think I may have to breathe into a paper bag or something. All I can think about is how nice the holidays were when I was a child and how they sucked from the age of eighteen (when I married FF, coincidentally), until my second christmas with Larry last year when we were away in SC. I did a lot of cleaning because my BIL had just had surgery and my SIL had taken on the whole burden of entertaining, buying gifts, ect. She did the whole holiday workout, so I helped clean when and where I could and made sure that she didn't have a dirty kitchen after feeding all of us. She even did the shooping for my MIL, who has a hard time staying out to do her own shopping. The whole deal went off without a hitch. Everyone was relaxed and had a good time. I was very impressed.

Every year since I was eighteen, christmas was ruined by either FF or his children. By that I don't mean John, either. FF had three three of the most evil, foul mannered, foul tempered hellions imaginable with his first wife and it didn't help that the oldest one was only three years younger than me. There was lots of resentment.

The first year Larry and I were married my aunt Ginny died. She had been languishing for a long time from breast cancer and it just wore her down. My brother started an argument at my grandmother's house the morning of the funeral because Larry came with me, in spite of the fact that my grandmother loves him and he was invited. Then when we got back home FF started some shit by refusing to give my parents back their dog, whom my father had asked him to look after while they were in VA. The dog used to be mine but I developed an allergy to him so I gave him to my mom because I knew she'd give him a good home. Most people don't treate their kids with the love and kindness my mother shows that dog. FF tried to keep the dog until my dad would give in and go talk to him. He wanted to talk to my dad about some bullshit story he had concocted about my mom being mean to John. What had happened was that he had tried to change the plans that he and I had made and confirmed just a week prior to christmas regarding where John would be, since it was FF's turn to have him. What my mom said was that she didn't want to go to FF's house, she'd see John at my house as planned. FF held on to John much longer than he was supposed to in order to force things to go his way and all hell broke loose. It started a series of harrassing phone calls from FF to my parents' house and to me and kept everyone even more upset than we already were, having only come back from my aunt's funeral the day before. My brother of course took FF's side and started another scene at my mother's house while we were there later and sort of capped things off. I was pregnant with Trent then and catching the flu, which didn't help. Neither my brother or father acknowledged my pregnancy either. That wouldn't happen until I was five months along.

The only reason this was all avoided last year was because we were out of town. Or maybe not, maybe things are better now. I don't know. When I'm like this I can't even think.

My brother does seem better these days so I'm not expecting any problems from him because he's been really friendly.

FF on the other hand...

Jesus.

I know a lot of this sounds rambly and ranty right now but when I'm feeling panicky this is how I speak, so naturally it would show in my writing.

My hands are actually shaking right now.

It will go away. I just have to get past this part, which is the worst. It might happen again but right now I just have to get past this one.

Thanks to everyone who signed my guestbook. I'll answer those. I promise. It may take me awhile, but I will.

I hate this.

Even the meds don't help with this part.